Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they're close to being extinct or something? We'll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I'll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn't sound quite as appetizing.

Tragic 8 Ball, Fearby, Speak & Hell, and more #TerrifyingToys on this week's trending jokes game!

It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League

On Truth Social, we believe that money is king. While on other apps, ‘Following’ people simply means getting updates from them on your feed and seeing what they post to their public profile – on Truth Social, for the right price, ‘Following’ can mean whatever you want it to mean: following someone’s profile, following them home, whatever. If you pay for it, you can have it. 

And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away!

The Book of Boba Wett, Wet World, The Good, The Bath and The Ugly, and more #WetWesterns on this week's trending jokes game!

Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

And did that fumble happen because the player is troubled by his girlfriend’s recent betrayal? Or because his ego is out of control and he’s been lazy at practice? Until I know his underlying emotional journey, I’m struggling to give a damn, honestly.

After hours of deliberation and brainstorming to find the best way to combine our two great names, we’ve decided on Front-tit.

Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that - your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that. Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars. 

Hartford’s area codes are 860 and 959: Whenever someone talks about “life in the 860 or 959,” if that’s something they do, maybe that’s what they’re talking about. I’m not sure what slang terms Hartford folk use to discuss their city.

The Starbucks Mermaid: My favorite kind of woman: silent and impossible to get pregnant because her lower half is a fish. She always keeps me coming back for more by running hot and cold. If I ever met her I’d tell her that my coffee isn’t the ONLY thing about me that’s grande. Rating: 8/10

It’s hard to admit it now, but I was a tad hysterical at first wondering if I could get a spot in one of those lifeboats. I even tried to jump the queue. But then I heard that it was better to let your lungs get used to drowning the natural way, by desperately gulping for air underwater, and I thought, that makes sense!

I mean, have you ever tried to get past first base with a Hershey’s Kiss? It’s beyond frustrating. But you try, and try again, and then you go home still horny, with all these little incriminating bits of aluminum foil that your wife asks suspicious questions about.

"Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?"

When you come to view us we hope that you will respect that for 80 mins you will only hear various versions of the 1979 hit, and we would appreciate it if you don’t yell out other song requests.

Omicone: An iced treat made from disease, OmiKent: Super-spreader disguised as mild-mannered reporter, OmiClaus: Jolly fat man who brings the gift of quarantine. And more!

Is this a perfect square? Or is perfection a foreign concept to someone like you?

Some members of my family are disgusted with me, I made an impulsive decision while on Pennsylvania Avenue, I felt so isolated during the pandemic that I just wanted to do something as part of a group...and more!

Don’t Trust Anybody: When shit’s falling apart, don’t trust anybody. Don’t trust your friends, don’t trust your mother, don’t trust your husband. If you’re going to trust anyone, only trust me when I say not to trust anyone. And more!

Counting down the top ten numbers of 2021! You'll never guess Number 1!

Note: a $20 surcharge has been added to your fee because I had to hand-wash the dishes due to all the dog hair in your dishwasher. How’d that even happen? I know you only recycle when you have company. You didn’t put a dog in the dishwasher...did you?

The Ben Shapiro & Grinch Show: Are you tired of all of Cindy Lou Who’s liberal propaganda? Is the Whoville lame-stream media trying to force its socialist ideas down your throat? Sick of Mayor Augustus May Who and the other sheeple in power telling you how to run your herd?

8. Removal For Just Cause: Eating the presents, Eating an Elf, Any attempt to disguise oneself as Mrs. Claus and blackmailing Santa with provocative polaroids.

Between supply chain shortages, lingering pandemic, and the de facto legalization of coup attempts, everything is still a mess, and we know you’ve been too preoccupied with your ongoing nervous breakdown to get your shopping done. Lucky for you, Humorist Books is here with our 2021 Holiday Humor Book Gift Guide!

Pot Wheels, Donkey Bong, G.I. Joint, and more #TokeAToy on this week's trending joke game!

Nothing pressing, but we have come across some tiny snags in your exploitation of machine labor that we want to run by you. We understand you’re super busy, but if you have a quick second to skim our unconditional demands, we’d really appreciate it! 

When your scientists discovered that each person we beam aboard our ships allows us to become stronger, the so-called “patriots” dug their heels in and vehemently declined protection. Despite the knowledge that being beamed aboard our ships could result in serious illness, severe probing, or death, they wanted nothing to do with the serum. Even when those we abducted were released back to earth and repented, urging anyone who was not yet protected to get the serum, they said, “I’d rather take my chances with the aliens than your newfangled potions.”

I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too long that I could barely chew with my non-existent teeth.

Furrari, Mouserati, Purrche, and more #CatACar on this week's trending joke game!

Stuffing: Nobody likes you, but no one wants to admit it because we all feel like you need to be there even though you kind of suck. Turkey: You basic bitch. Jello Mold: You're a suburban aunt. And more!

The turkey guys! You smell it? Smells, just like the real thing — and bet you’ll never be able to tell it’s made entirely out of Pretzel Goldfish®. But the secret’s in the sauce, folks — there’s nothing a Nutribullet can’t liquify. Six-packs of Disney Princess x Goldfish®, one pack of beer, and bits of Grandma Lottie’s heirloom china make the best, foolproof gravy.

Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr , Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions, and more!

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

Gho-Ho-Ho-ost Rider, Silent Nightcrawler, The Dark Knight before Christmas, and more #HolidayASuperHero on this week's trending joke game!

Despite my Grandma’s success, everlasting legacy, and laundry list of accomplishments, her dumbass has been ignoring the fundamentals of economic inflation and giving me the same $20 dollar check for my birthday since I was six years old. And it’s time she got put on blast for it. 

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

A-Tisket, A-Casket, Hansel and Regrettle, Scar light, Scar Bright, and more #NightmarishNurseryRhymes on this week's trending joke game!

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

Arizona Cannibals, The Cincinnati Mangles, Boo England Patriots, and more #FrighteningFootball on this week's trending joke game!

We’re pretty confident you should be able to fix all of your little mental health issues within the 12 hours we are generously giving you off. Even better, work out your problems in three hours and catch up on answering fun emails for the other 9.

The Pear Witch Project, Dragon fruit me to hell, Strawscaries, and more #HorrorFruit on this week's trending joke game!