As a Father of a Son, I’m Very Concerned About Recent Events

When my son is middle aged, will his long record of sexual violence in high school and college come to light, momentarily jeopardizing his seat on the Supreme Court? The indignity!

I Testify Before Congress in All My Fantasies

I can’t imagine anything more erotic than telling my story to America’s preeminent misogynists. Sweating in their suits as they question me. Wagging their erect fingers at me for slowing down an appointment critical to their agenda. Holy shit, my legs are quaking!

Uncle Craig, We Really Need to Talk About What Happened at Family Feud Last Week

As you know, it's been a full week since our taping of Family Feud in Atlanta. Yes, we're disappointed that we lost. Badly. And, sure, it would have been nice to have the opportunity to play for $20,000 in the Fast Money round, plus a chance at winning a brand-new, fully-loaded Ford Edge. But that's not what this is about.

Carpool Karaoke, Sir Paul McCartney, Deleted Scenes

Sir Paul McCartney, (V.O.): That's it. Now put a little more wrist into it. Oh, look 'round there. It's the basement where the lads and I would bust a nut. Those were the original lyrics to "Yesterday," you know. I needed three syllables. Bah-dah-dum.

Is Your Dating App Match, A Bit Too Much Of A Match? Welcome to Incestry FAQ

Is this new person you find so relatable someone that you're actually related to? Let's find out!

Ethics Training for the Galactic Empire

Welcome to the Galactic Empire Ethics Training. Upon completion of this learning module you will take an aptitude test graded by your managing Sith Lord. A failing score is punishable by a force-choke that may result in death, but what we’re really looking for here is effort!

Every Known Sports Venue “Cam"

Kiss Cam you've heard of, but what about the Kiss Cam Cam? Another camera captures the guy operating the Kiss Cam, and he and his Kiss Cam camera have to kiss. It’s fun! And more.

theSkramm: Girl, WTF?!? The World is Spinning OUT OF CTRL!

What, you're still here? Haven't you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don't expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you're about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ...

New Programming for Fall Season: TV Mashups

Loveboat NCIS, West Wing World, Golden Girls of Gilead Got Talent and more.

A Day-In-The-Life of Alex Jones’ College Intern

6:45 AM: I hardly slept a wink all night. I start my internship…

Cut Excerpts From Bob Woodward's 'Fear: Trump In The White House'

Bob Woodward's apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency,…

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Marriage - by Anonymous

I married the President but I have vowed to thwart parts of our…

What You Need To Know About Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh's haircut reminds him of Judge Judy's...and more.

REVIEW: Foodies Finally Find Ultimate Comfort Food In ‘School Cafeteria’

After the health food craze of the '80s gave way to the comfort…

The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That

Situations like this can force one’s hand. Now, more often than not situations like these don’t involve eating another person, but if it did, and I’m not saying it would, this is who I’d suggest we start with.

A Back to School Message from Your Child’s Teacher, Mr. Axl Rose

Welcome to the Jungle Gym, aka Room 16. My name is Mr. Axl Rose,…

Betsy DeVos Letter to New & Returning Public School Students

Welcome back students! It’s so nice—and surprising—to…

Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements

Sasha, a graduate student in social work at New York University, and Henry, an angel investor and serial entrepreneur, met at a networking event hosted by the Harvard College Alumni Association in the City of New York, where they quickly discovered a shared passion for French pastry, expressionist painting, and pharmaceutical cocaine.

4 Sex Positions Where You Can Secretly Watch a Steve Harvey Hosted Show

Your significant or not-so-significant other may want to try…

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel,…

Short Sleeve Suits All The Rage In L.A.

MILAN, Italy -- Internationally known and respected men's clothing…

The NRA is Attempting to Raise Additional Funds Through the Sale of Cookies Because Those Girl Scout Brats Never Need to Launder Russian Money to Stay Solvent

Since 1871, the NRA has been the backbone of conservative values…

Trump Tweets: Bigly Badding Do-Gooders

 

Classic Male Movies Remade as “Feminist” Flicks

Ghostbusters, Oceans 8, and the coming-soon remakes of timeless stories like 'What a Woman Wants' have shown us that women have very low standards for what is considered a feminist “win” for Hollywood. So here are my pitches for the next ballbuster blockbuster...

Guy Fieri Receives His Enneagram Results

IT’S TRUE, PEOPLE: Even the Mayor of Flavortown™ needs to…

Fun Summer Activities at U.S. Immigration Camp Internment!

Features: Bunk Buddies! — Gain the confidence of being…

Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah!

Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah! August…

Fun Indoor Games to Play with Your Children While the Earth is Melting

This May was the hottest May in recorded history for the entire…

Synopsis: Aunt-Man and the W.A.S.P.

When Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) catches two homeless kids…

Baseball’s State-of-the-Union

As the 89th annual Midsummer Classic is upon us, it’s that time again when baseball sizes up how to improve public perception and sales after the All-Star break, or really, the old-age question; “How do we draw more of today’s youth to the sport to fill more seats?”

Man Allergic To Clothing Gets Permission To Come To Work Nude

PENSACOLA, Florida – Jack Navish had worn clothing all his…

Surgeon General Encourages Thumb-Sucking for Politicians

Thumb sucking - it's the next logical step.

Morning Meditation for Flat Earthers

If the Earth is round, then how does the water stay?

VIDEO: Drama at the Office

How do you tell someone you have literally no desire to see what they've been working on - but, like, in a nice way?

Look What I Can Do! | God | TEDx

Well, that didn't play out quite like we thought it would.

More Trump Poems

Poetry is really one of the only truly beautiful things we have left.

Ex-Barber Builds Home Out Of Human Hair

SVENSPOT, Sweden -- Most people work all their lives to be able…

Your Basic Economy Flight Add-Ons

Seating $50: upgrade from inside the wooden crate in the luggage compartment to a seat on top of a battered suitcase in the luggage compartment. $150: upgrade to the toilet when it’s not occupied.

The Summer 2018 Guide to Planning Your Dream Wedding and Swallowing That Last Bit of Yourself That Held Onto Your Most Secret and Sacred Dreams

 Stay Organized Between the guest list, the registry, and…

A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association

Dear New Resident,   Greetings and welcome to the…

Donald Trump’s Hair to Announce It’s Transitioning Into A Quilt

The news just got a bit more hair-raising as it relates to the…

Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities

During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled…

International House of Pancakes, Iconic Breakfast Restaurant, Dead at 60

Known for their breakfast and contributions to American obesity,…

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

College Admits 10 Month Old Infant Genius

FRANKFORT, Kentucky -- Most 10 month old babies are still pre-occupied…

Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions

Tovar's Wide World Of Raisins:   What seems initially to…

My Dick is Stuck in a Westworld Robot

I came to Westworld for the unbridled adventure. It’s a world…

For MTV’s ‘Real World’ There’s No Place Like Nome

MTV’s ‘Real World’ announced its latest destination - Nome,…

TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…

Governor’s Ball presents a new VIP experience: The Velveeta Cheese Chain Smoking Tent brought to you by Crocs Shoes

In case there wasn’t enough glitter and Woodstock nostalgia…

11’ Tall Basketball Player Found In Namibia Running With Giraffes

INDIANAPOLIS – At 7’7”, Manute Bol never thought he’d…

Man Stretches Out In Gym – Against His Will

CHARLESTON, West Virginia -- Ralph Swane went to his gym expecting…

Great Pacific Garbage Patch Timeshare Opportunities

Now that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is growing to a size two…

In the Event One of the Kids Becomes Patient Zero, and Other Job Requirements at a Children’s Entertainment Franchise

We’ve been the source of quality family entertainment since…

Comedian Kills Half His Elderly Audience With Great Joke

RIVERDALE, New York – All comedians like to be told they “killed”…

It’s the Audio Version of “The Dress”: Some People Hear “Yanny,” Others Hear “Laurel,” and You Hear the Voice of a Robot Demon Condemning You to Eternal Suffering

The internet is going crazy again, thanks to the most mind-blowingly…

Bingeworthy New Kidlit Adaptations, Coming Soon From The Producers Of Breaking Bad

"Netflix’s gritty adaptation of Anne of Green Gables will return…

Rudy G's "Makin' Life A Breeze"- Rudy Giuliani's Guide To Living Your Best Life!

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff Life can be crazy sometimes. And…

Bodybuilder’s Bicep Explodes Killing Work-Out Partner

TARZANA, California – Mike “Cannon Ball” Tortuga, Mr. Olympus…

Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas “All You Can Eat” Buffets

Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley…

Teddy Ruxpin Story Descriptions for the 21st Century

 The world sure has changed a lot since 1985! Teddy is ready…

The White House Party Planning Committee Brainstorms For Cinco de Mayo

TED: Okay, listen up hombres. The White House Cinco de Mayo party…

Ohio Man Literally Zips His Lip

DAVENPORT, Ohio – Men have done many unusual things to try…

What to Expect After Implantation of Your Newterus®, the Hottest Feminine Upgrade Yet!

"Female cosmetic genital surgery is rapidly gaining popularity."—Plastic…

New Apps for People Who Suffer From Time Mismanagement, Which Other People Shouldn’t Find So Problematic

Apologize Now - Are the apologies you give for your constant…

Tap Dancing For The Criminally Insane

SPOKANE , Washington – Doctors at the Spokane Home For The…

Goldilocks and the Pineapple Train Wreck

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had golden, curly…

Are You Hollywood Pansies Ready To Buy The Actionest Action Movie Of All Time?

Sup, bitches. Welcome to our pitch for the action movie-thriller-experience…

Upgraded Beatles Lyrics 2.0

All You Need Is Like, Like Is All You Need Yelp! I Need…

A Brief History Of Thumb Twiddling

ADELAIDE, Australia - Most people see someone twiddling their…

Frozen on Broadway Review: It’ll Run Forever Anyway So What’s the Point

Disney’s chillest musical opened on Broadway this Thursday…

Trump's Search For The Perfect Lawyer

After sending out a series of blistering pre-dawn tweets, watching Fox…

Doggy Dancing- A New Cure For Loneliness

NEW YORK CITY – Leave it to New York City to come up with the…

Yelp Reviews of The Last Supper

Categories: Mediterranean Locations: Jerusalem Attire: Casual Good…

Star Wars The Last Jedi Blu-ray Bonus Features

Commentary Tracks Director’s Commentary Rian Johnson…

Man Tattoos Muscular Body On His Own Scrawny Frame

SACRAMENTO, California - Tired of being picked on for his scrawny,…

The Whispering Village Of Turkmenistan

TURKMENISTAN – There’s a tiny village in Turkmenistan called…

Dentist Accidentally Extracts Man’s Face

BISMARCK, North Dakota – Len Wheaton went to the dentist expecting…

Welcome to Mobility University™, an AT&T® Institution!

Welcome, new faculty member!   AT&T® is a recognized…

Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I'm Running For Office?

Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to honor the memory…

Ladies, It's Snack Time

PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi said in an interview last week that the…

Valentines for America's Most Beloved Sexual Predators

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching and so many winsome men…

Classic Works of Literature Rebranded for Millennials

"A Tale of Two Tweets” At long last reunited with Lucie, Dr.…

Other Notable Trysts that Quincy Jones Forgot to Mention in His Vulture Interview

Post Vulture interview, Quincy got a couple quick BJs from his…

All of Our Rejected McSweeney’s Submissions

A Hegelian Reading of Ivanka’s Spring Beauty Line An…

Man In Wyoming Builds Family A Nest

ELK MOUNTAIN, Wyoming – Wade Truesdale was proud of the house…

Don Jr. Presents: Wonders of the Animal Kingdom

The Monkey   Our first animal today, children, is the…

Thin Man Travels The World By Overnight Mail

HELSINKI, Finland – Travis Purn had an itch to travel. The…

8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person

The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel. Lindsay has had…

5 New Chicago Based Cable Shows

NBC Studios FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE January 22nd, 2018   As…

Man Killed For Giving Girlfriend A Snail Instead Of Engagement Ring

GILA BEND, Arizona – Hiram Trask and Emma Baldoon were high…

Jack Off Joe Toy Catalogue

'Horrible' Harvey Weinstein...$8.99 The original--and some…

Taylor Swift Q3 Town Hall Meeting

Welcome, everyone! Thanks for coming down and taking time out…

Dry January Activities That Don’t Require Alcohol, Just An Unwavering Commitment To Fighting Corruption In The Figure Skating Community

It can be hard not to count the days until Dry January is over…

Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump

"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…

Smithsonian Institute Proves George Washington Wore Wooden Pants

  WASHINGTON, D.C.  -   Stories have abounded for…

Man With Infant's Head Sues For Discrimination

NEW YORK CITY – A major Wall Street firm is reeling from charges…

“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!

A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic…

Man Slips On Pat Of Butter, Winds Up In Next Town

COLLINSVILLE, Illinois – When Wally Pavlicek decides to slip…

Penthouse Letters: Hollywood Edition

Dear Penthouse: This never happens to me. After our broadcast…

News from the Even-Handed Gazette

(The ‘unbiased’ coverage our leaders have clamored…

NOTICE: Curriculum Update to Reflect Current Industry Standards: Department of Journalism & Creative Media, University of Alabama

To the Class of 2021,   Welcome to the Department…

Still Spacey After All These Years

  With a full list of questions regarding Kevin Spacey…

Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!

That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…

Freeze Out: Captain Cold Booted From Legion Of Doom After Sexual Harassment Allegations

METROPOLIS -- Captain Cold, the supervillain known worldwide…

Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!

This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would…

After 35 Years of Marriage, Dad Comes Out as Alien

STOWE, Ohio -- Following 35 years of marriage, and after seeing…

How Bojack Horseman Changed Television: Every Character is Now a Horse

The Netflix original animated series Bojack Horseman has changed…

Too Many Talking Vehicles

Too Many Talking Vehicles was a television show in the 1980s…

You May Have Been Affected By Our Recent Dog-Walking Breach. What to Do Next.

Dear Ellen, As I’m sure you’re aware, the Park Slope community…

The InfoWars Hurricane Survival Guide

When a gust of wind blows down your doors, stick out your head,…

Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts

Dear        Mr. Brody    , WELCOME!  We are delighted…

Dear News-Detox Journal

Day 1. Here I am at the Bob Ross Artist…

Our Desperate Writing Submission for Breitbart

Hello! We are writers who have not had success being hired by…

There Are Many Sides to Blame For My Getting Dumped By Justin

I'd like to share, in the strongest possible way, the horrible…

10 Things To Remember While Watching The Total Solar Eclipse

1)  Staring straight at the sun during an eclipse could do serious…

The Death Of America Takes A Holiday: Trump's Vacation Journal

Day 1 "Journal... may I call you Journal? Today was sort of…

Are You Sure You Want To Log Out?

        &nbs…

If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’

“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.” “I…

STAR WARS SHOCKER: "THREEPIO'S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS," SOBS ARTOO

SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY - Finally equipped with a simple voice…

Do You Need A Pep Talk?

I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk. I…

Scientists Bring Back Dodo From Extinction For The Fourth Time

“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard…

Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids. Janelle, a…

Wall Street’s Additions to Fearless Girl

PRESS RELEASE FROM STATE STREET GLOBAL ADVISORS. Due to the…

HGTV's LOVE IT OR LIST IT: DIVORCE EDITION

Mark and Sandra have been star-crossed lovers since the very…

Notes from a Pepsi Ad Executive

“Pepsi Pulls Ad Accused of Trivializing Black Lives Matter”—New…

How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…

A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America

*crackles over sound system* Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…

President Trump Welcomes the First Pet

“Black crows in the meadow Across a broad highway Though…

QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm

1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4.…

Punchlines to Knock-knock Jokes Rejected by Highlights, the Magazine for Children, Which Has Since Banned Me from Future Submissions

1. Orange you glad I didn’t say gonorrhea? 2. Lettuce…

Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…

Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!

Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…

Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…

Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's

It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…

The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day,…

NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)

What if Einstein's theory of relativity got notes from TV execs,…

Kid-Lit of the Revolution

"...it turns out, Kim Jong Il —along with dad Kim Il Sung —…

A Timeline of the Development of the Modern Democracy

  1294 B.C.E. – Egyptian scribes break the first-ever…

Every Emoji Is a Dick Emoji

You've probably heard the old adage "the eggplant emoji is…

Lepre-Caan's St. Patrick's Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into…

Hip and Edgy Comic Strip Reboots

Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the…

Wine Reviews By A Sommelier In The Midst Of A Heinous Breakup

Palazzo Lucca 2008 Lamprey-Stuffed River Pinot Grigio Frutti…

For Our Wedding We’re Registered For All the Items We Destroyed During the Blowout Fight We Had While Registering at Bed Bath and Beyond

We’re officially less than three months away! Eeeep! It’s…