Editors Picks
With another year closed, we at Weekly Humorist would like to take a moment to reflect on all that has happened in 2023. It’s been an eventful year for us, filled with exciting new projects and growth in our small but mighty brand. Here are some highlights from this past year:
We published our 20th book from Humorist Books and 320 issues of Weekly Humorist Magazine, a milestone that marked a significant expansion of our brand in print media! This year we published What Am I Doing Here?: A Simpsons’ Writer Visits the World’s Hellholes So You Don’t Have To by Mike Reiss and Denise Reiss, Limerature 101: Literary Classics in Five Lines or Less (With Pictures), by Lance Hansen, The Lobster Heist by Erin McLaughlin, Attack of the Rom-Com by Martti Nelson, and The History of Human Achievement: A Beezle, Buzzle, & Barb Book, by Brandon Hicks. Our slate of books for the new year is packed with massive talent and we can’t wait for you to read them!
In the realm of auditory entertainment, we continued to produce the cult-hit show The Cartoon Pad podcast with the the very funny Bob Eckstein & Michael Shaw, our flagship comedy interview show Talkward, & The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast. Coming out soon will be our newest podcasts FUNNY BOOKS hosted by our books editor, the wonderful Brian Boone and STRONG STREAM hosted by Marty Dundics, where we will dive into what to watch and skip.
Social media, an instrumental platform for our brand, witnessed substantial growth this year. We not only increased our followers but also saw more active engagement from our community than ever before. Our cartoons have become a regular source of joy for many on their social feeds. The world of cartooning is finding a massive audience direct to users, even as we see more and more newspapers sadly abandon them.
Lastly, we had the pleasure of working as a producer on our first feature film. This venture into the cinematic world was an invigorating experience for our team and marked another significant achievement for Weekly Humorist and Humorist Media! Can’t wait to get to spill more beans on that exciting project!
Excelsior!
The Backstory Cookbook: For Those Who Actually Prefer the Long Story About Why Food Is Essential Instead of Actual Recipes
Midnight Snack: 14 slices bread, preferably stale white, 1 cup Miracle Whip, 15 slices Oscar Mayer bologna, 8 slices American cheese – While the bread is toasting, go into a reverie about how you lost your one chance for love and now pass each day, each night alone, until one day everyone who would remember you is dead and you shuffle painfully on two scraping knee joints, your world reduced to one room where you will die alone, unloved, unnoticed.
I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters
When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn’t tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I’d been addressing the letters with). Since then, he’s been getting a lot of use of it…
I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is
The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull.
Santa’s 9-1-1 Call Transcripts
Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison. 911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.
I’m Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car
During my adventures, I’ve developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That’s why I’ve created this here Craigslist post, because I want to use my skills to help you figure out where you parked your car.
Roku City’s Police Blotter
25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.
Sam Altman, Sam Bankman-Fried, or Sam the Snowman?
Some people say “risk,” some people say “opportunity.” I didn’t knowingly commingle funds. What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a talking snowman before? And more!
The Other Chalkboards That Will Hunting Wrote On As A Janitor
You are absolutely forbidden from entering the room where Ms. Garcia hosts her night school class for English as a second language so that you can make adjustments to her lesson plans. We do not want Ms. Garcia to come into our office to complain that her students are using words like “cawfee”, “rippah”, “pissa”, “wicked smaht”, or that they are inserting an unnecessary “fuck” into every sentence they speak.
Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host
We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind.
As a Woman, I’ll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much
Look, I’ve read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there’s no reason to. Women apologize for breathing.
Why Is Everyone Talking About (The Movie) A.I. Artificial Intelligence?
At my office, people talk in hushed tones about the future of A.I. and whether it will, indeed, put them out of work. I just shake my head. If you’re worried about a Jude Law movie taking your job, then I feel bad for you. Especially a movie that isn’t, in my humble opinion, even in Spielberg’s top 10.
Rejoice Mortals! We the Gods of Olympus Have Agreed on a New Code of Ethics to Hold Ourselves Accountable
We swear there will be no undue influence at play in our decisions. And despite eons of previous allegiances, rest assured that the moment one ascends to Olympus they become completely neutral. So when Zeus throws a thunderbolt or Athena hurls the island of Sicily, be gladdened in knowing your divine smiting is 100% impartial.
Lesser Known Bodies of Everest
Tired of seeing all those normal frozen hikers? See what Everest doesn’t want you to see! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.
QAnom nom nom- A Handy Guide On How To Celebrate Thanksgiving While Also Maintaining Your Favorite Batshit Crazy Cult Member Beliefs
Be sure to eat lots and lots and LOTS of sweet potatoes. If you eat enough, you may possibly eventually gain a healthy orange glow, similar to our esteemed leader!
It’s Me, Macy’s Ronald McDonald Balloon, Afloat Yet Adrift
I look toward the Empire State Building and wonder if I should just puncture myself on its spire. Put myself out of my misery.
Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Your New Clone
Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc. we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your whole new you.
We Regret to Inform You That Your Son Has Been Waitlisted for Preschooler Gymnastics
In the “Notable volunteer achievements” portion of your son’s application, you wrote “N/A (he’s three?!).” Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time.
FixDandy’s Totally Foolproof, Nearly Entirely Safe, and Probably Almost Legal DIY Guide to Ceiling Fan Replacement
Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you’ve botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven.
Despite Recent Events We Will Continue To Sell Our Ghostface Voice Modulator ™
Our financial success during such times do not make these moments any less painful. We’d also like to underscore our significant contributions to charitable organizations and similar tax-deductible philanthropy. To be clear — Murder Manifesto LLC stands united against violence and hatred. We will continue to reflect and pray to prevent such tragic events from occurring again.
LinkedIn Recommendations for Halloween
Not like digging own cadavers for unholy experiments? I recommend Igor to scientist looking for qualified, reliable lab tech. Igor friend. Misshapen back is ugly rumor, total fake news. Igor back good. Igor take abuse and like it. Whip, chain, stick, no preference. Igor bring sense of dedication to workplace, inspire all of us to do best.
A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster
Greetings from Apartment 3B, where Paul, the self-proclaimed defender of sanity, would like to issue a pre-emptive strike against the impending Halloween decor about to engulf our building. I hereby cast my vote in favor of banning these festive accouterments in the name of safety!
Failed Pitches From The Guy Who Invented Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Boilin’ Hot Mountain Dew, Soppin Wet Doritos, Pepsi flavored Coke, and more!
Gotham City’s Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary Wishes to Apologize
We are sorry that Poison Ivy saw fit to disrupt our annual orchid show once again. Our Board of Trustees has resolved not to discontinue this popular fundraiser simply because a costumed lunatic has attacked it three years out of the last five. The Gotham City Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary refuses to let scantily-clad eco-terrorists win.
Are You Living Through Menopause Or The Climate Crisis?
Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!
You’re Probably Wondering Why There’s an Empty Pizza Box in My Trunk
I can see that you’re wondering why there’s an empty pizza box in my trunk. That’s perfectly fair. A dead body would have been easier to justify. Car trunks are supposed to house proper car accoutrements like windshield wiper fluid and jumper cables and maybe a recently bought and forgotten blender. That’s respectable trunk fare.
24/7 Diners On Every Celestial Body
EARTH: OPEN 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR! MARS:OPEN 24.6/7.175, 373.1 DAYS A YEAR! JUPITER: OPEN 9.93/2.89, 150.28 DAYS A YEAR! And more!
New Event Venues for Climate Change
Outdoor Film in the Cavern, Bowling in the Cavern, Concert… in the Cavern and more!
Your Internal Organs: Ranked!
#6. Kidneys: Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don’t piss off the kidneys.
Biographies of Side Characters in Every Rom-Com
Female Lead’s Sidekick: You can expect Female Lead’s Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then, Female Lead will bring over Phish Food ice cream (it’s their thing) with two spoons and say, “Sidekick, you know you’re my rock. Can we be forever again? You know I’d literally die for you.”
Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen
Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.
Baby Babble Translations for New Moms
jah-cho-cho-cho = Look what I found in the cat litter box. yai-yai pokka da = Where’s your good sweater? Hurry, I have to puke. catzakup poodo = Soon enough I won’t need you, except to drive me places. And more!
Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)
‘Everybody Hurts’ – REM, ‘Drain you’ – Nirvana, ‘Deep Inside of You’ – Third Eye Blind, and more!
An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist
Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.
‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,’ and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School
Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.
Hollywood Memo: I.P. Daily
Star Jaws: An intergalactic space shark threatens the Republic of Planets and a scrappy band of rebels are called in to destroy it.
Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval
Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.
Seinfeld Reunion: The Dick Pic
“A DICK PIC, JERRY! SHE WANTS A DICK PIC!” The funeral home falls silent as George cowers in embarrassment. “She won’t meet tonight unless I send her a photo of my genitals,” he whispers. “What kind of sick world are we living in?”
Audience Reviews From Romeo and Juliet’s Opening Night
“As someone whose family is also mired in a generations-long feud, it felt nice to be represented.” “Took me right back to when I was a horny, wealthy teenager.” “I had a roach in my popped corn.” And more!
Items Found in Burning Man’s Porta Potties
Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys, Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons, Mosaic policeman’s cap with jingle bells, and more!
Ten Reasons Why I Still Plan to Consume Alcohol Next Weekend Despite Being on Anti-Inflammatory Medication
Some sources on the internet claim that binge drinking may drastically increase the potency of this medicine. That’s a good thing, right? That means my shoulder should heal faster if I enjoy a few glasses of whiskey.
Quiz: Are You Experiencing Violent, Bone-Shaking Airplane Turbulence, Or Is Your Toddler Just Having Another Turbulent Tuesday?
The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. Your partner is somehow sleeping. And more!
Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You’re off the Case
Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.
Neighborhood Highlights, According to My Dog
Fence With Dog: This is where my friend Fat Dog lives. This is a great place if you are looking to socialize. And while you are here, be sure to take some big honkin’ snorffs of the billowing waves of his piss steam coming through the fence.
Thanks For Cooking, I’ll Do The Dishes
Don’t worry about germs, the hot water will kill most of the bacteria. No hot water at the cottage? No problem-o, the dish soap will do the heavy lifting. Salmonella? Come on, everyone knows you can only get that from salmon.
Amenities at the Anti-Patriarchy Day Spa
Upon giving enthusiastic consent to be gently mummified in a mineral-rich algae wrap, you’ll receive a steady stream of affirmations reflecting your inherent human value, while our state-of-the-art Sonos speakers alternate between playing Jessi J’s Queen and a calming voice whispering true statistics about the body size of the average human woman.
All These Ballplayers Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames Is Killing Baseball
Answer me this, MLB. How are fans supposed to enjoy a day out at the ballpark while constantly on edge that their favorite players could at any point start smoldering and catch fire?
What Your Therapist’s Couch Says About Them
Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.
Responses to the Question, ‘Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?’
“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”
Classic Children’s Books Updated for Our Time
Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!
The Rise and Fall of My Cat, Former Zoom Celebrity: An Oral History
Dr. Erica Nuñez (pet psychologist): It can be stressful when the power imbalance in the home shifts so dramatically, when suddenly the pet is outshining the owner.
Please Do Not Show My Child Michelangelo’s David for I Wish to Bang It
When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.” No. I think, “I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.
5 Summer Activities That Make Me Think You Might Be AI Generated
Now I know fun is subjective and there are many ways to indulge. I don’t judge! But, personally, there are some activities I believe to be so generic and dumb that only a computer could come up with it. (No offense to computers. My phone is a computer and I love my phone. But my phone also turns itself off after being left in the sun for 45 and a half seconds.)
I’ve Tried So Hard to Be a Responsible Dog Owner and Yet Somehow I’ve Still Raised an Inconsiderate, Hedonistic Pie Thief
Oh great, you’re throwing up the pie now. And here comes the parchment paper. See this is what I’m talking about.
Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the Gays Would Buy During Pride Month
LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns? Buy this habit from us- the ones who uninvited them from our LGBTQ+ Pride Night in the first place!
Corporate Statement Templates For This Pride Month
Pride Parade Float Is Set On Fire : We here at [cabal of billionaires/actual power behind the government] are [saddened/overjoyed] to hear about the [tragic/wonderful] events that took place at the recent Pride parade.
If Famous Crime Movies Revolved Around Kohl’s Cash
Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.
An Open Letter To Those Who Declined My Facebook Event Invite
It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.
Playlist: Classic Songs Updated For Privileged White Men
You’ve Got A Friend (That Could Refer Me At McKinsey, Right?) Originally by James Taylor And more!
My Sleep Rider: Contractual Requirements for Sleeping at a Friend’s House After Age 35
Noise Levels: Once The Light Sleeper enters the Designated Sleeping Space, silence must reign for the following ten (10) hours. The Host commits to ameliorating any excess noise, including, but not limited to: household snoring, street noise from the nearby fire station, pet snuffles, and whatever that creaking pipe and/or Victorian ghost situation was last time.
The Nine Circles of Helloton
No pain, no gain. At least that’s what the sign on the door says.
Names That I Will Likely Consider For My Prison A Cappella Group Should I Ever Find Myself Incarcerated and Yearning to Sing With My Fellow Convicts
Baroquing and Entering, The Delinquintet, Treblemakers, and more!
I’ll Be Honest, I Thought Robbing Banks Would Be Easier
To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.
Math Word Problems for Writers
If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?
I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom
The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.
What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA
When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!
WordleBot Here, and Your Gameplay Analysis Has Me a Little Concerned
You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.
How To Be A Proper Introvert: A Guide For Extroverts
Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.
I’m a CAPTCHA, and I’m Having a Midlife Crisis
You may have noticed that lately every time you have to prove you’re human rather than one of those increasingly sexy spambots, the pictures that you have to identify are either motorcycles, sports cars, or yachts. That’s my fault. I’m a CAPTCHA, and I’m having a midlife crisis.
Rejected HBO Max / Discovery+ Streamer Names
anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!
LinkedIn Through the Ages
SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.
We’re The Weather Channel and If You Don’t Subscribe to Our Premium Site We Will Start Sacrificing Oxen to Zeus
Some of you call us panic salesmen but still demand unfettered access to terror-inducing forecasts in 15-minute increments. All we know is that keeping up with the extreme weather flavor for the week can really mean the difference between life and death in this anthropogenic apocalyptic shitscape.
A List of Celebrities Who Have Skied Into My Back in Park City, Utah
Robert Downey, Jr. :You may feel a bit envious that I got to meet Robert Downey, Jr. when he skied into my back in Park City, Utah, but there’s really no need to be jealous. Robert Downey, Jr. skis into everyone. But he’s just so charming when he picks you up, it almost makes you forget the bruises, so it’s not all bad.
Star Wars Bounty Hunter or Traditional Passover Food
Zuckuss? Tzimmes? Hazeret? Just try not to dip your Din Djarin in the salt water.
Late Night TV Hosts React to The Crucifixion of Jesus Christ
The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon: “You guys hear about this? A man named Jesus was killed today for claiming to be the son of God. Yeah. Awful. When asked for comment, God pointed and said, ‘Look, a dinosaur!’ And ran away.”
News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem
Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend’s Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom
Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor’s Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.
The Eerie Similarities & Distinct Differences Between Cocaine Bear & Smokey the Bear
Cocaine Bear is the star of a major motion picture now in release / Despite 75 years of work in television, Smokey the Bear has never made it to the big screen and is currently seeking new representation
Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers
Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments.
I’m Saint Patrick and I’m Back to Fix America’s #1 Problem: Snakes
May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.
GLUMMER Magazine
It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn’t: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!
Introducing: LinkedIn Dating
Once you’ve selected your top candidate, you may make them an offer and negotiate start date*, and benefits package. Additionally if you are just looking for a one night stand, try I’mEasyApply to fast track filling the position. Happy recruiting!
Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist
Undone – The Sweater Song – Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.
Alternative Names For Wisdom Teeth
Prudent Molars, Insightful Incisors, Astute Fangs, and more!
Movies In the Cocaine Bear Cinematic Universe
Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!
The Bullshit Artist
George Santos, as we know, is also an international film star, he and his co-star Kitara Ravache, are up for an Oscar in the new film, The Bullshit Artist’! It’s remarkable, with his animal charity work, elected office, and work as a eyewear model, that he finds the time to do it all! Fingers crossed!
Items in My House Ranked by How Quickly They Slid Down the Guggenheim Ramp
Ceramic Penguin Wearing A Top Hat: This little guy is a survivor. He rolled past the increasingly suspicious security guards before bouncing off some lady’s shoe, flying past Picasso’s Woman with Yellow Hair and landing in the back of a stroller. He rode the descent in style with the penguin tipping his hat at me.
1-Star Reviews of Major United States Landmarks
The Statue of Liberty: Didn’t move as much as in the Ghostbusters film. In fact, it barely moved at all. I stared at it the whole time I was there and it hardly moved. If it did, it was really slight. 1 star. And more!
At This Performance of “Hairspray”, the Role of Wilbur Turnblad Will Be Played by You, Get Up There
We are fully aware that YOU Are an AUDIENCE MEMBER Who came here with no intention of playing WILBUR TURNBLAD But like I Mentioned, it’s what our call sheet says…
Wendy’s Daily Planner
5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!
What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents
Aaron Burr: Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”, Jimmy Carter: Recycled, Dick Cheney: Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker. And more!
The Forgotten Tragedy of the Night President Lincoln Died by the Ghost of Actor Harry Hawk
Alone on the stage midway through Act III, I deliver the line of lines. You know it well. Say it with me: “Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!” I know, I can scarcely pen the words such does my body quake with laughter. They just don’t write them like that anymore, do they? I knew that moment would punch my ticket to New York and superstardom. So, naturally, I nail the line, slaying my rapturous audience (perhaps not the finest turn of phrase given the circumstances, but paper and ink are not cheap so onward) when the shot rings out from the president’s box. As you can imagine, the distraction pretty much stopped the show flow like an Edison phonograph scratch.
Your New Favorite Super Bowl Betting Apps!
OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.
I Want a Refund on This Wedding Photography Package Because All You Did Was Focus on Cats
I have seven nieces and only one of them’s in a photo. But even in that one, her face is hidden behind a manx wearing a large felt hat like Meghan Markle. Couldn’t you have moved her? Also, couldn’t you have focused on my bridesmaids in their fabulous dresses and not kittens in ill-fitting cummerbunds?
Satan Announcing Layoffs In Hell
For those we are letting go, we will be offering generous severance packages including the souls of 10,000 babies and a gift card to Spencers Gifts, the official retail partner of hell.
A Camel Explains Why You Can’t Handle Dry January Like They Can
They’re not cut out for the No-2-O lifestyle that animals like me are built for so for them to make a whole month’s challenge out of our lifestyle. Well, that’s just par for the course for these idiots that give mammals a bad name.
Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings
Day-Long Hangover: Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.
This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday
I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.
Dog Training for Cowards
Sit and Stay: Ask your dog nicely to sit. If he doesn’t do it, nervously look around to see if anyone noticed him disobeying you. If there’s no one around, pretend you never actually asked him to sit. You will learn to gaslight yourself like this. Similarly, if you ask your dog to stay and he continues to lunge or wander, you must turn it around on yourself. You stay. Stay and wonder why no one ever listens to your requests.
A Guide to Pregaming in Your 40s
EVENT: A concert that starts at 10 pm for no good reason PREGAMING: Crashing on the couch for a 20-minute snooze then inserting Dr. Scholl’s insoles into your sensible boots
An Apology From the Food Network for Mistaking ”Beat Bobby Flay” as ”Eat Bobby Flay”
At the Food Network, we pride ourselves on producing shows that showcase and explore the rich culinary world and most importantly, educating and entertaining our viewers. However, “exploring the rich culinary world” does not include hunting down our own hosts. We truly cannot believe this happened a second time.
Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books
‘Misery’, ‘Pet Semetary’, ‘Christine’, ‘The Running Man’, ‘The Shawshank Redemption’…In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.
