What seemed like 2020 part 3, (this time it’s personal) 2022 did produce a few funny things:- let’s recap a bit of what we accomplished!
Humorist Books, managed to get not one but two titles on Vultures Best Comedy Books of The Year list! Welcome to Woodmont College, by Mike Sacks and Jason Roeder and Cash Grab by Andy Spain! We also published Santa’s Brother Sandy Saves Christmas by longtime writer and executive producer of The Simpsons, Mike Reiss and illustrated by New Yorker cartoonist Jason Chatfield! Rounded up this years books with, a very dark humor cartoon collection Polly Wants A Lawyer, by Nick Downes, The Official Dream Dinner Party Handbook by Gary Almeter, and finally the very funny novel The Carlyles by Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton!
Humorist Podcasts continues to produce the cult-hit show The Cartoon Pad podcast with the the very funny Bob Eckstein & Michael Shaw, our flagship comedy interview show Talkward, and recently welcomed The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast into the mix! Humorist Studios continues to develop exciting new projects and currently represents or has developed animated & live-action comedy tv projects and feature film projects! We’ve even pitched a movie to a streaming service!
Last but not least, we published a TON of humor! Thank you for your continued support and let’s look forward to an exciting 2023!
Clairvoyant Trump’s 2023 Predictions
January 6th will become America’s most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!
Our Gym Would Like to Apologize for Yesterday’s “Train Like A Viking Of Skagafjörður” Workout
It has come to our attention that yesterday’s WoD (workout of the day), The Skagafjörður Viking 9000, has received universal criticism from those in attendance. In an anonymous survey sent earlier today, more than one member mentioned the class caused “explosive head trauma,”“neverending nightmares,” and “plantar fasciitis.”
10 New Year’s Resolutions Jason Definitely Wants Me to Keep This Year
I will sign up for an advanced crochet class to keep my hands busy during Jason’s softball practice (which is every Tuesday and Thursday). I will go to the gym, but only the one where the local softball team, the Beavers, work out. I will not let my past failures to become Jason’s girlfriend define me. And more!
We At HBOMax Have Decided To Cancel Earth
We here at HBO Max are proud to be home to some of your previously favorite now cancelled programs such as Love Life, Minx, and the first season of Westworld. And like all of our cancelled programs, Earth will be wiped off of all platforms, anything where its existence could be recorded or remembered.
Financial Terms, According To My Teenager
Gross Margin: Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book. Margin Call: The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin. And more!
Wine List For The Apocalypse, Courtesy Of Your Olive Garden Sommelier
Let’s start with our splendid assortment of reds. First, we have our Merlot: soft and medium-bodied, with dark fruit flavors and the smoky undertones of a scorched planet littered with human carrion. You may also detect subtle hints of tree bark and shoe leather, which pairs nicely with chicken, veal, and any meat desperately gnawed from the desiccated corpses of household pets.
We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company
Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.
So You Want to Date a Teddy Bear: Ranking Teddy Bears by their Sensibility, Dependability, and F#ckability
Pooh is a thiccc ass bear with plenty of cushion for the pushin’. Though a giving partner, he’s not without his kinks, such as a preference to use honey as a substitute for over-the-counter lubrication.
Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage
OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.
New Proposed National Holidays
National Amelia Earhart Day: A day where we can all just disappear and not have to do anything, a great tribute! Everyone could use a break.
Things Not To Ask Your Doctor About
P.E. ( Pasta Elbow) P.A.B ( Passive Aggressive Breathing while sleeping) and more things to not ask your doctor about.
Twitter.com’s Exchanges & Returns
Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, “Do I want this?” I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, “Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?”
I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old.
Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.
Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries
I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! Is it spoiled?
Don’t Say You Worship Satan If It’s Only on Halloween
Also, what are you wearing? Which part of “black robe” was too complicated? Did you really walk into our lightless abode of the damned dressed as Hellboy? And don’t even get me started with the slutty witch costumes. Why tempt our dread master Lucifer’s wrath by baring your cleavage at him? I think he’s made it abundantly clear he’s an ass man.
‘So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?’
Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house – meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it – she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.
Spooky High is Closing
For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, six generations of Blobs, all seven Mummy siblings, and a real zombie who was in the “Thriller” video.
We Aren’t Coddling Our Gen Z Students, but They Think Your Class Is Too Hard, so You’re Fired
The University takes the success of our students very seriously. Especially the success of students who grew up getting trophies for losing. Now, we’ve gotten word that many students are distressed over the difficulty of your Organic Chemistry course. So do you mind handing in your Faculty ID? We simply can’t have you failing students who don’t deserve to pass.
I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode
I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.
I Will No Longer Unsubscribe
Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”
How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention
Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.
How NFL Teams Got Their Names
New York Giants: The team is named after New Yorker Elmer Alvin Doe’s masterpiece “The Giant,” with the famous line: Quoth the Giant “Nah-vermore.”
Things People Say to Writers Translated
“You wrote a book! How exciting!” (Oh you poor delusional fool!) “Where do you get your ideas?” (You seem so dull in real life.) “Will I recognize any of the characters?” (Am I in it and can I sue you? )
Pool Rules for Dan
No peeing in the pool. No bodily fluids of any kind at any time. So stop getting in the pool after you’ve had three Coronas, Dan. And keep your snot-nosed kids out of the water too. They scare me. The older one said he knows how I’m going to die.
The Many Nicknames of William Shakespeare
Willy Slickspeare, The Merchant of Menace, King Fear, The Dean of PG-13, and more!
Non-Sexist Things That Bros Come Before
Cloves: Don’t even think about prioritizing these dried aromatic buds over your real buds. It doesn’t matter if you’ve watched a YouTube video titled The 8 Surprising Health Benefits of Cloves. Repeat after me: “Bros before cloves!”
For Dummies By Dummies
That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®. In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!
COMIC: Captain F#%cked Planet
Captain Planet is looking for a new planet to save, this one is cooked.
Shocking Truths of the Cereal Mascots
Toucan Sam hasn’t paid his taxes in 30 years. The Raisin Bran sun cyber-bullies his daughter’s classmates. Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia. And more!
As A Mason Jar, I’ve Had Enough of These Barn Weddings
Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full.
At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website
Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies.
Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!
And of course, Kate, we have to thank our fans. As two born-and-raised Californians, we couldn’t insert ourselves into Keystone local politics, sift through heaps of data you have no way of knowing were gathered accurately or ethically, and break it all down for you in-between absolutely incessant bickering week after week without listenership analytics that keep our production company happy.
I’m Dorg, The Lowly Servant in Charge of Lighting Every Single Candle at House Targaryen and It’s Bullshit That My Scenes Always Get Cut
Do we really think that the modern viewer is erroneously going to believe that when Rhaenyra walks into an exquisitely candle-lit room to chat with her frenemy Alicent Hightower that all those candles WEREN’T expertly lit by a servant who has ten years of expert candle training under the tutelage of Grand Candle Maester Clarence Candelite?
The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!
The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.
Eloise is STILL at The Plaza
I am Eloise. I am twenty-nine. I am an adult (ish). I STILL live at The Plaza. I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore. But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO. Which is RAWTHER frustrating! So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!
God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins
Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels.
Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?
Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v kig id xivjf cxji xv romeo
What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You
Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting.
Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States
Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!
Meet the Animal Mayors Running, Scampering, and Flying for Reelection in 2022
Tippy the Tortoise | Florida: Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he has been plagued by financial troubles: he has sired thousands of children and his exes are all extremely litigious.
The 5 Stages of Grief Automated Voice Message System
Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window. / Bargaining. / Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors? / No. / Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call…
Aragorn’s Longbow EXPOSED! (NOT Actually Very Long!) Sauron’s Role In The Jan 6th Attack! Lord Of The Onion Rings!: Frodo Explains Massive COVID Weight Gain! And more!
StreetEasy Listings From Your Broker, Edgar Allan Poe
With heat and water to mortals given – / But their electricity, without Verizon/ MUST YOU REALLY NEED THAT DOG OR CAT?/ As ample storage a plenty, uncommon as is/ Trade thy Australian Shephard for stainless steel appliances
Frida & Diego: 2 miles away. Poly couple looking for a third. Anti-communists swipe left. And more!
I Miss the Good Old Days When Healthy Relationship Standards Meant Men Doing Whatever They Wanted and Women Shutting the Hell Up
I know I’m not the problem. The problem is women and algorithms. Women are too complicated, and so are algorithms. Put the two together, and you have a dating puzzle that not even the smartest man (Joe Montana) can solve.
Jabba the Husband
(This is Jabba the Hutt’s middle class, suburban life. We see Jabba as a bedraggled commuter, with loosened tie, squashed fedora and a newspaper under his arm.) “What a day I had. You know that servant girl in the gold bikini? She tried to strangle me! Then three guys and this big dog blew up my floating palace.” “Poor baby,” said his wife, Jenna the Hutt. She gave him a big wet sloppy goopy stringy kiss on the forehead.
Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life
One Cup Sugar: In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he had encountered during one of his campaigns: sugar. According to my Grandma, he told her it was the sweetest thing he’d ever found, to which she responded, “that’s because you hadn’t met me yet.”
How to Store Fruits and Vegetables
Tomatoes: It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.
If Only My Immigrant Great Grandfather Could See Me Now, He’d Say “Where Am I?”
“One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”
What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were
Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way. Average: Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.
Quiz: Your Cat Or Your Teenager?
They are obsessed with primping, but seem to be allergic to showers and baths. They are perfectly content to be alone. But if you leave them alone for too long, they’ll almost certainly ruin some furniture. TEEN or CAT? Take the quiz!
Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom
QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.
Feminist Anthems Rewritten to Accurately Promote Multi-Level Marketing Schemes
“Girl, You’re Out of Funds” (Tune: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper) …Emailing, in the mornin’ light, / This work-from-home business has ruined your life./ A pyramid scam, an unfortunate one. / Oh, girl, you’re out of funds… Oh, girl, you’re out of funds…
Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental
These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.
How To Prepare Your Meal Kit Dinner in 25 Infuriating Steps: A Tutorial
Step Six: You just cut yourself. Take a minute to go grab a band-aid, and get back to hand-shelling your own peas, you wuss.
The Life Cycle Of Your New Brita Filter And You
“I don’t remember those little black specks being there yesterday.” Filter Time: 1–8 Weeks Comments: If we’re being honest, we’re not sure what those black specks are either, but the water still tastes generally the same. Should I change it?: Meh? We’re pretty sure* that they’re minerals and not harmful if consumed. *Legally we must advise you not to consume the specks.
***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors
The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.
What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You
A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.
I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time
I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake.
An Open Letter On Climate Change From Me, A Mobster…
So, guys in my rarefied profession don’t usually weigh in on the “news of the day.” But when an issue starts to affect my business? Something’s gotta get said. (And in case any made men just started makin’ in their pants? Exhale. I ain’t a rat. No names.) OK, here goes: We gotta do something to fight this Climate Change thing.
QaDon’s- American Bistro For American’s Who Don’t Like America
“Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!” “Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!”
The Life Coaching for Life Coaches’ Life Coaches Seminar Is Full
Look, time is short. Society is about collapse. We all know it. There’s only so long we can profit from this mad bottle of wasps before it blows up in all our faces. But self maximization to achieve all your goals and also the next goals you haven’t even visualized yet, are just within your reach.
My Favorite Genre Is True Crime, Which I Consume With the Utmost Reverence
I’m also dismayed by how often producers use their platform to glamorize perpetrators. Just the other day, a new series about a serial killer went on gushing about the subject’s charm, good looks, and success in his chosen field of murder. To counteract this, I try to humanize the victims of these senseless yet nonetheless very fascinating crimes. I’ll ask myself questions like, did they have any hopes and dreams of their own? Say, to become a teacher, or a veterinarian, or perhaps someone that did not get murdered?
Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns?
When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you.
Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook
Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling around the board. Tokens include: Oat Milk, iPhone with Cracked Screen, Weed Gummy Bear, Podcast Microphone, Ill-Fitting Bridesmaid Dress (must replace after each use), Zoloft Tablet, Laughing Crying Face Emoji, Thimble – Each player starts with $1,500, but some players must give the Banker $100 every 10 minutes, in an effort to pay off their student debt.
NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber
Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though.
Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time
That said, going forward I expect everyone to come in at least 40 hours a week, which, coincidentally, is the exact amount of time that the human body can withstand such temperatures before their internal organs begin to melt. Failure to show up for the full 40 hours will be taken as your resignation.
Sedona’s Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star
The only way to feel the electricity in this sacred electromagnetic hotspot is to bathe in the red dirt. But I couldn’t feel anything with elderly tourists watching. They kept yelling “please stop” and “is she ok?” as I stripped to my birthday suit. I heard one woman smack her husband. Following Reddit’s advice, I rubbed the sacred soil into every crevice of my face, thighs, and buttocks…. And nada!
The Boner Ban Bill, Because Life Begins at Erection
The clear solution is to simply replace contentious laws regulating uteruses with a sure to be less contentious national law that regulates reproductive organs that can’t get pregnant: penises. I can’t believe a Congress that is three-quarters men hasn’t considered this yet!
Welcome to Burrito California (a Local Tex-Mex Restaurant That Gave Don Henley Diarrhea)
Welcome to Burrito California/ We have lots of meats (We have lots of meats) / Try the seasoned beef / Burritos are good at Burrito California / We have even more (We have even more) / We have al pastor
Reality Show Spinoffs The World’s Not Ready For
Hundred Thousand Dollar Pyramid Scheme: Competitors enter into a multi-level marketing scheme from which they’ll never financially recover. It’s the show that mimics real life! Each time some poor sap buys into the scheme, the show lasts another painful week. Tune in before the pyramid crumbles down on some wantrepreneur’s dreams.
Our Favorite Authors and Their Favorite Drugs
Edgar Allen Poe: Heroin, 100%. I mean this dude basically invented heroin chic. Wandering around, a gaunt little skeleton man writing about death and insanity. Birds are talking to him, he can hear hearts beating under floorboards, and he looks like he hasn’t seen sunlight in decades.
Paintings of Classical Antiquity That Pay Homage To Breasts
Welcome to the Breastish Museum in London, a Victorian brownstone dedicated to celebrating women, whose fronts have been at the center of the art world for millennia. On our top floor, we pay homage to masterpieces that supported the idea of breasts as the one power women had in classical antiquity. Indeed, most forward-thinking, high-minded male painters who influenced modern philosophy and pioneered cultural movements (European Neoclassicism, for example,) had the genius to recognize the need for women to bare their chests whenever possible.
Yoga Poses To Help You Feel Closer To Death
Mountain of Regret Pose: While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.
Your Luggage is Not Lost; It’s on a Journey of its Own Choosing
Our company’s goal is to help travelers find a comfortable means of getting to where they’re headed. Like our commitment to flying you safely and comfortably to your destination, Newark, we are also committed to making sure your bag is where it’s meant to be: in Zurich.
Michael Bay Punches Up Classic Literature
Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville: First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Voicemails From My Kombucha Mother (SCOBY) Who I’ve Neglected In The Back Of The Fridge
Hi, me again. I still haven’t heard back from you. Need I remind you, young lady, of how you’ve treated your poor mother? You were so excited to make your own Kombucha. You did it for five weeks until you abruptly quit. This is so like you. First it was ballet, then saxophone lessons, then your MFA program. And now, this?! You abandoned me in this plastic Tupperware. You don’t even have the decency to put your mother in a glass container?!
Seat Guru for Kids
Submitted by Allison Haight: Row 18 is full of ancient graffiti. Fascinating reading and you can really learn a lot about the old days. They were very politically active. There is a “Foreigner Rules” scribbled on the seat. I spotted an anti-France message, “Bon Jovi Sucks.” And on the top left corner it says, “DEF LEPPARD,” written by some animal activist.
So, You’re a Scarecrow Looking to Change Professions
You’ve figured out what role to pursue and are ready to chase it – that’s great! What’s the first step? Or, in your case, the first “stand completely still”?
AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT: HANSON V. “THE GUYS”
This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”
Hi, I’m Joe Pesci and I’ll Be Your Dental Hygienist Today
Seeing these gums, I gotta ask, how many times a week do you floss? Notice I didn’t ask how many times a day, because people who floss daily don’t jump and bleed as they get their teeth cleaned. So, I repeat myself, how many times? Go ahead, take your time answering while I grab a different scaler. Pick the right words, go have lunch, then get back to me.
The Last Supper If Jesus Christ Was An Instagram Influencer
Dinner will be held during golden hour at 7 p.m sharp. If you are late, you will not be in the photo. A stone will be rolled in front of the door as soon as I break the bread.
I, The Easter Bunny, No Longer Want To Be Connected To This Creepy ‘Jesus Rising From The Dead’ Thing
Picture this. You. Me. Grandma. No scary shrouded man with the long hair. I’m honestly doing you all a favor by calling this out. Can you imagine how fun Easter would be if death wasn’t the creamy center of the Cadbury egg?
It’s The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks in at Charlie Brown’s Vape Shop
Without Peppermint Patty to hang around with, all the shortcomings of my job suddenly became glaringly obvious: the long hours, the lack of health insurance, the “work hard, play hard” mentality you pushed on all of us. For someone who was depressed all throughout their youth, I expected way less of that LinkedIn bullshit from you, Chuck.
What To Expect When You’re Expecting Extraterrestrials
Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c’mon… you’re just making the rest of us look bad.
How to Live With an Aggressively Comfortable Couch
Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”
Your Psychiatrist’s Generalized Anxiety Survey
In the past five days, how often have you experienced nervousness or felt on edge? …skipped meals or experienced low or no appetite? …avoided social interactions, even with loved ones, such as a partner/spouse?
If you answered “Sometimes,” was it to avoid hearing your partner/spouse mention their coworker Paul again and how funny and clever he is?
Totally True Oscar Facts
Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney’s Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!
Instructions For You If My Pants Are On Fire
So, my pants are on fire and I’ve handed you this card. You’re probably thinking, “Uhh, say whaaa??” Well, pull yourself together, Gilligan. Every second is critical right now.
The Shocking True Story Of Why 6 Was Afraid Of 7
The real reason 6 was afraid of 7 had little to do with 8, 9, 10, or even 11. You see 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 was 6’s bookie and 6 got in a little too deep.
A New Round Of Russian Sanctions
MGM Studios will remaster Rocky IV by digitally replacing Ivan Drago with Jar Jar Binks, Siberia will now be called ‘Other Alaska’, Rubles are now worth .000095 of a shirt button, and more!
You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World
Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.
My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are
The Zamboni *Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.
All the New Rules in Major League Baseball
Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.
Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer
Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.
Little Debbie’s Got A FAQ For You
We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it’s becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they’re close to being extinct or something? We’ll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I’ll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn’t sound quite as appetizing.
Excerpt from Mick Jagger’s Time in Analysis
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: Isn’t this starting to feel a bit repetitive for you? MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no girl reaction. THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound like what you told me in last week’s session.
I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down
You need a credit card number? Joke’s on you, because every piece of my buying habits you get, I get a few points closer to a free scarf from Banana Republic.
Here’s Why We Have Privatized Our Little Free Library
No more waiting weeks to get your hands on a secondhand copy of “The Kite Runner” with the cover ripped off. For a small fee of just $7.99 a month, or $76.70 annually (a 20% discount!), you get full access to the Myerson’s entire catalog! And if a book you want isn’t available, well, just pick another one. Don’t be a jerk about it, ok? “The Alchemist” is good, so read that.