“Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?”
Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!
OUT Zombie apocalypse / IN Regular old boring apocalypse, and more!
Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.
This Is Not A Vibrator! Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.
In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says “Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!”
Chris-mas Cuomo- When Santa finds himself in some hot water due to allegations of sexual misconduct from several elves in his employ, will his pal Chris Cuomo be able to save the day by working behind the scenes, gathering exclusive info at his job at a popular news network? (HBO Max)
Connect Four: Connect four game discs coated with honey, then several dozen bees sporadically allowed into gaming room. Chutes & Ladders: Game played on actual ladders. Twister: Game mat placed on a small platform suspended over a tank of great white sharks. And more!
Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!
Time Off For Gouda Behavior, Adding A Splash Of Fall Medley To Your Gang’s Colors, and more in this issue of Bartha Steward Shiving.
You’re not having a baby; you’re considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year. Look, that’s great and all, but I’m not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever. You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.
‘Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist’, ‘Slim Reapers: This Year’s Most Flattering Death Robes!’ ‘Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?’ and More from this month’s Reaper’s Digest!
It’s a mistake to appear too eager! Have your friend play it cool and hang back from the crowd a bit. The person handing out treats will be intrigued by the indifference, and your friend may end up with a couple of extra fun-size Twix bars in his bag.
When he’s not stabbing and slashing in an effort to transfer his soul into a human body, Chucky loves tormenting others by working the call center at several telemarketing and bill collection companies.
Escape Room 3: Rise Of The Terrordome- A group of strangers are abducted by a malevolent organization and placed into a series of increasingly dangerous escape rooms. The strangers, after thinking about it for a bit, realize that this situation is much better than how things are out in the real world, and so decide to simply stay put. (Oct 20, HBO Max)
Pharma Sutra: Can Pfizer Make You A “Riser”? Johnson & Johnson Into Your Johnson? And more!
Mr. Rourke: Hello, and welcome to the Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Experience. How may we facilitate your yogurt fantasies today?
“There’s a lot to like about these guys, but ultimately, we just didn’t click. Any chance you could just sell me a dildo that’s been spritzed with Stetson cologne?”
Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!
The Max In Anti-Vax Slacks, Q-Mart Shoppers, The Gaetz Of Hell, and more!
Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, ‘Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!’ And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.
Punctured fun. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
“Andrew Cuomo’s discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions.” “Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place.” And more!
Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!
Even the crabs have crabs.
Grasshoppers suddenly have eyebrows for some reason. And more!
Moorecrest Manor, 1142 Autumn Harvest Lane: Walls bleed extremely rare blood type AB negative, so ideal for charity blood drive location. Portal to Hell greatly reduces heating bills during the winter. Ghost of little girl in the attic can be listed as a dependent on tax forms.
The Haunting Of Geraldine’s Toaster (Netflix) In the terrifying tradition of previous Netflix hits The Haunting Of Hill House and The Haunting Of Bly Manor, this new entry centers on young, optimistic family the Guthries. The Guthries have just moved into a refurbished house with a terrifying past, and an even more horrific toaster, possessed by true evil.
Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!
Forty-seven minutes spent going through group’s Facebook page, erasing rude messages from fake members who signed up just to be mean.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Eggs-aggerations And Ham-Fisted Lies, House At Putin Corner, Goodnight Mood Stabilizing Meds, and more!
No Offensive T-Shirts, Unless They’re Really Funny. No Smoking, Pets, Or Smoking Pets. No Urinating in the Pool, Unless You Can Get Away With It Without Being Obvious. And more!
QAnon- Now, now, Mr. Bond…. this item is quite ingenious! When you place it upon your head, you’re instantly able to read the mind of anyone in your surrounding area! Just imagine being able to see into the deepest, darkest corners of your enemy’s psyche! And then to post about it online, where everyone can see!
The insatiable thirst of you lumbering, barely sentient beasts will never be quenched. Such is the nature of your dire species. But if you insist, a nice pitcher of ginades on the beach is lovely and refreshing.
Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!
Wonder Woman now using her lasso of truth to determine whether those around her have truly had their vaccinations.
Tapioca Rocca- Our catchy nickname for the hottest gift this Mothers’ Day, a miniature sculpture of Al Roker made entire of tapioca pudding! And while it is indeed the hottest gift of this season, don’t actually get it hot, or even warm. The smell is just horrible.
During art therapy, you’re encouraged to “reach your inner artist” by sniffing the markers.
National Lampoon’s Animal Cave: What sort of hijinx ensue when humans are forced to live in caves with wild animals? The animals eat the humans, we assume.
Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be aware of sharp edges on rec room ping pong table. Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. And more.
Fees for vaccinations that contain an added boost of Cialis. Make Trump pay his fines to the IRS. And more!
“C’mon Dave, are we doing this or not?” he asked, tapping his cigarette and allowing ashes to drop onto the floor of the kitchen.
“It’s getting late, and those kiddies will all be rising and shining soon.”
Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.
The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn’t use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you’re all set for the ultimate staycation!
That one guy? You know, the guy who’s friends with the main guy? He gets separated from the group during a zombie attack!
Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She’s been looking at David’s Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!
Q: Is wiping front to back is the work of Satan and his minions (ie, Liberals). A: If you’re wiping at all, you’re several steps ahead than the vast majority of our members.
Trump enjoyed the scenes of destruction so much that he recorded over his VHS tape of sex with Stormy Daniels in order to preserve the footage.
Wearing a necklace of gluten around your neck will ward off Democrats. Socialists hold wet t-shirt contents using the tears of Jesus. And more!
Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!
Broken Tooth of Beserker Alpha: Generic Rogaine causes severe skin rash on face and neck.
1:30 PM: Call Satan, see if the election loss and second impeachment means that I can get a refund on the whole selling-my-soul thing. And more.
25 B-7: Trump forced to live in a run-down condo with son Eric as a roommate, for a minimum of no less than seven years. 25 J-7: Louie Anderson to portray Trump in any / all future tell-all movies (this will drive Trump crazy!!). 25 N-2: The McRib? Gone forever, never to return. And more!
If you happen to notice the members of another gang wearing your gang colors, you compliment them on their bold and stylish fashion choices. And more!
Santa means well, but let’s face it, he probably spreads the coronavirus just as readily as Christmas joy; there’s no way that those elves practice social distancing in those tiny toy-making sweatshops. So, how to best, for the time being, keep that fat jolly eggnog sucker out of your house?
The 3 Wisemen Meet The 4 Horsemen (CMT, Tuesday Dec 15, 3 AM)- Animated special from the creators of The Proud Boys Introductory Guide To Dental Hygiene, voiced by a bevy of your favorite wrestling stars, plus Tim Allen as the voice of a wisecracking baby Jesus. (Some material may be unsuitable for those with an IQ of over two digits)
Accidentally stepped on your cat a few years ago, but brought it back using Christmas Magic; that’s why its been acting like the cat from Pet Semetary recently.
We just need a signature here, here and here….everything will be taken care of, and then the turkey and his family will be in no way held liable for any crimes past or present. But if there’s any room for disagreement, I may be willing to haggle regarding a member or two of the turkey’s family. Like the turkey’s sons, just as one example.
Needing to earn a bit of extra money on the side? Scoop up the latest batch of your dad’s back-hair trimmings and sell to your stepmother for use in her collection of ex-husband voodoo dolls.
Bargaining (With Rudy) In a nice twist on a classic, the two biggest rats are desperately clinging to one another as the ship quickly sinks. Do your final sneaky, slimy favors for one another for old times sake, and then please just disappear beneath the surface of the water forever.
As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you’re back in business.
Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!
Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.
QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!
Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace’s debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!
Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening’s debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.
Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy’s Xanax. And more!
Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn’t reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he “didn’t want to create a panic”.
Killer compliment. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!
“Hey good lookin’, could I buy you a drink to wash down that handful of hydroxychloroquine?”
“Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present” “Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol” And more.
Trump admits finally that the true source of the Coronavirus is the unprotected sex between he and Stormy Daniels.
Selleck-Select: Have you ever been watching a tv show or movie and thought to yourself, “This is okay, I guess… but sure would be a lot better if all of the characters were sporting a Tom
Selleck-style stache!” Then you’re in for a real treat with Selleck-Select!
The Walrusing Dead, House Of Carps, Who’s Th’ Bass? and more!
“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”
Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery. And more!
Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!
This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!
Demanding Dads. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and Dan McConnell.
Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.
Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!
And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.
Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you’d thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we’ll take those rascals off of your hands!
Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.
Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? … Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! …. Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!
We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.
Mai-Tide: Chill 4 Tide pods in a freezer overnight. Place chilled pods into a glass, then puncture each pod. Pour Mai Tai contents over pods.
Dear Nuts… You’re trying to get me to use the phrase, “you should drain your lizard”. And I’m not going to do it. Nope. Please discontinue this nonsense.
Attempt to beat the world record for juggling. And more.
The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night – Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.
The Marvelous Mrs. Measles, West Nile World, Black Plague Mirror, and more.
You Snooze, You Luge Narcoleptic Winter Sports Enthusiasts, Baloneedful Things Gift Shoppe & Deli, Totally Nude Scrapbookers Of America, and more!
That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco? Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.
Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.
The Punisher: Rather than the typical gang-members, killers and other assorted criminals, The Punisher has taken to targeting people who don’t cover their mouths when sneezing and coughing.
Cheerful, brightly-colored welcome mats placed in front of each and every homeless person’s cardboard-box.
Lured him in with 4 Big Macs. 3 didn’t do it. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I’m sure that you know this one… yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs…. my heart!
Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.
Chapter Seven: Mister Pi-Stash-io: Isn’t saying that he’s partially responsible for the recent death of Mr. Peanut, but isn’t exactly denying it either.
Practicing being stabbed repeatedly in the event that he has to protect Prince Charles in a bar fight, Keeping an eye on Harry and Megan to ensure that they don’t steal anything before they leave. And more.
We can all agree that ‘Cards Against Humanity’ is a nifty game, right? We got to thinking, though, and came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game. Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make…
‘Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats’, ‘Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic’, and more!
Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you’re wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you’ve earned it.
OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you’ve run over in your truck. And More.
After a blurry night of fun with bath salts Kevin McAllister burns down The Plaza Hotel.
Small vial of bird flu, Flyer for local club where daughter works as an exotic dancer. Self-published booklet of inspirational sayings by your mom. And more!
If you’re like most presidents who are expecting articles of impeachment, you’re more than likely a bit anxious and apprehensive about the days to come. This is, after all, the scenario that you’ve spent years preparing yourself for, but thinking would never come.
Peloton Noisy Chewing Volume-Lowering Kit, and more!
Against your better judgement, head over to your family’s house for Thanksgiving. In order to make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow, you buy the brand of rolls that you know will irritate your mother. (if so, go to C1)
Mother May I? (submitted by Mike Pence), The Selfie, U and MeKraine and more!
These are the first impeachment proceedings in over two decades, as well as the 238th impeachable offense that has occurred during the Trump presidency.
M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!
Never Been Kissed By Joe Biden, Dazed & Confused About The Electoral College, Can’t Hardly Wait For This To Be Over, and more!
Jack from Jack In The Box using black-market stem cells to keep his head looking that way.
Love You Forever 21, Oil Of Olay Wrinkle Cream In Time, and more!
Abraham Lincoln secretly discovered the internet in 1863, but fearing the negative consequences it could have on society, he only used it for porn.
Using a sheet of cling-wrap, place a transparent barrier between the seat and lid of your victim’s commode. When they next attempt to use the facilities, they will be in for an unpleasant surprise, as will the Caped Crusader, who will be savagely devoured by a swarm of vicious crocodiles unleashed upon Wayne Enterprises by yours truly!
Several dozen calls wherein the president, apparently somewhat confused, must be told again and again that ordering prostitutes from GrubHub simply isn’t possible.
Downton Abbey is based on the television show of the same name, and concerns the problems and concerns of a group of unlikable rich white people; oddly enough, it was broadcast on PBS rather than CNN.
It’s been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).
I’m Proud Of My Son, Even Though He’s Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.
America’s Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it’s hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won’t be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)
KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn’t quite fancy enough for the room.
I’m your host, Lucifer, and this is Bachelor In Paradise Lost! Forget all of the pretenders to our throne, we’re the real Temptation Island!
It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited. Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.
Explaining rap lyrics to the elderly, and more!
“And we’d also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates.”
Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.
Let’s speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?
All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.
Need to get away? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand!
Can’t get it up? You are not alone. Happy 4th of July! Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Debatable demo. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Pillow Talk – Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike’s friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he’s forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)
You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”? That same rule should be applied to picnics. Pants, however, are completely optional.
Bruce, I’m so sorry that its come to this, but we’re going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum…
The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor’s hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.
Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.
The “game” referred to in the series title is Connect Four.
Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.
Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, “What can I get for you, buddy?”. Barr replies, “It’s been a rough week. Better make it something stiff.” The bartender then says, “Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?”
Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.
