April 19, 2026Hi, I’m the Robot That Melania Walked in With to Her Meeting, and I Am Honored to Join the Department of Education.
April 12, 2026Jobs Where It Is Acceptable To Say “A Whole Civilization Will Die Tonight” And Jobs Where It Is Not
February 16, 2026A Politician in Your City Addresses the Reason for Snow-Covered Roads Ten Days After a Minor Snow Event
February 16, 2026According to Our Spreadsheet, Spontaneity is One of the Best Ways to Keep the Spark in a Relationship.
January 24, 2026Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Declares Intentions to Annex the Professor’s Hut
January 24, 2026How To Throw Something Away Without Your Partner Fishing It Out Of The Trash (A Counting Story)
November 26, 2025How Bad Do Things Have to Get Before the People of Hawkins Join Me and My Ragtag Group of Friends in Fighting the Upside Down?
November 20, 2025The LinkedIn Memorial and 12 Other Washington DC Landmarks If The US Sold Corporate Naming Rights
October 3, 2025Prominent World Leaders Who Are More Excited About the New Taylor Swift Album Weigh In on the Russia-Ukraine Conflict
October 2, 2025NFL Fans, Follow Your Favorite Teams and Tune In to All the Must-See Games This Season on Fox, CBS, NBC, ABC, ESPN, ESPN+ Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, Peacock, Fox One App, Paramount Plus, Netflix, YouTube, YouTube TV, NFL Network, NFL+, NFL Redzone, and Probably Some Others That We Forgot!
September 8, 2025Orange is the New Black-ish and 11 Other TV Crossover Series We’d Love To See This Fall TV Season
August 28, 2025Fry’s Electronics and 17 Other Retail Outlets Joining Bed Bath and Beyond’s Promise To Not Open Any Stores in California
August 26, 2025Open Letter to Beachgoers: Congratulations on 50 Years of Ignoring Obvious Shark Warnings by Bruce the Shark (Yes, I have a name—it’s Bruce. Look it up.)
August 19, 2025I’m a 1994 Middle School Science Teacher, and I’m Here to Make You More Terrified of Sexual Contact Than You Are of Freddy Krueger
August 14, 2025Swapping Crash Test Dummies for Eric and Don Jr and 19 Other Changes Trump is Making to The Smithsonian
August 3, 2025Conversation Starters For Someone Who Just Accidentally Summoned A Demon While Having AI Interpret D&D…
July 21, 2025It Looks Like You’re Trying to Remember How to Think for Yourself. Would You Like Help With That?
July 14, 2025Mister Todies Wild Ride and 15 Other Attractions Specially Remade For JD Vance’s Visit to Disneyland
July 1, 2025I’m Jaws, Henchman to Global Megalomaniacs, and Yes, My Teeth Are an Occupational Necessity
June 26, 2025Thanks for Buying Our Toothbrush. We Can’t Believe You Thought It Would Clean Your Teeth
June 18, 2025Bloodletting, Leeches and Carbolic Smoke Balls – Who Says the Cure is Worse than the Disease?
June 9, 2025An Open Letter To The Person Who Asked Me What I’m Doing For The Summer As If I Didn’t Have To Work
June 9, 2025iPad Baby: You Don’t Get It, I Have to Give My Baby Constant Access to Content Designed to Be as Addictive as Possible Because Otherwise He Might Do Things.
June 3, 2025I Can’t Believe Insulting, Threatening, and Refusing to Work With Government Employees Didn’t Improve The Government
May 15, 2025The Holocaust Museum Was a Powerful, Sobering Experiencing, but I’m Deducting a Star for Lack of Parking Options
April 29, 2025Hus-Band™: The Shock Collar For Wandering Husbands: Rebuilding Trust One Shock at A Time
April 22, 2025LinkedIn Says You’re 87% Qualified to Be the Next Pope. Here’s How to Glow Up Your Profile.
April 11, 2025Gandalf Disbands the Fellowship of the Ring, Blaming It for Rise of “Ring Anxiety” Among Youth of Middle Earth
April 6, 2025I’m Locked in My Neighbor’s Basement and Can’t Leave Till You Subscribe to This Kid’s Substack
March 9, 2025Avenue Qanon and 10 Other Trump Themed Musicals to Replace Hamilton at the Kennedy Center
February 19, 2025 Items Newly Arrived At The Monkey’s Pawn Shop, Gently Used Occult Items At Friendly Prices
February 7, 2025Options To Replace The “End Racism” Super Bowl Message That Align With The Trump Administration
January 28, 2025How to Shrug Off That You Got Sent to the Gatorade Jug After Trying to Order Water at the Bar
January 27, 2025In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr., We’re Dismantling Federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion
January 9, 2025I’ve Taken Temporary Custody of Liam Gallagher To Ensure the Oasis Tour Actually Happens
December 22, 2024As Emerald City Officials, We Assure You the Winged Monkeys are Nothing to Worry About
December 11, 2024House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump’s “Transition” Team to Reflect That He Is Biologically President
December 6, 2024I’ve Decided to Replace the Guinea Pig With a Larger, Slightly More Calculated Guinea Pig
December 1, 2024The Unspoken Grief of Having to Listen to Your Mother-in-Law Complain About Not Being a Grandparent
November 29, 2024Plaque Friday: A Comprehensive Guide To The Best Holiday Dental Bargains In Your Area
November 28, 2024Are You at a Turkey Trot 5K or Getting High On a Cousin Walk Before Thanksgiving Dinner?
November 14, 2024As a Lesbian, I’m So Relieved a Straight Woman Just Slid Into My DM’s to Let Me Know That Trump Is Actually the Biggest Champion of LGBTQ Rights
October 31, 2024How to Tell Whether Someone is a Spooky Costume Person, a Silly Costume Person, or a Sexy Costume Person
October 4, 2024Potential Reasons Why People Leave Donald Trump’s Rallies Early: In Order from Most Likely to Least Likely
September 26, 2024I Can’t Afford to Pay Employees a Living Wage and Still Take Home $9,000,000 a Year Making Egg Salad Sandwiches
September 20, 2024Letting You Know That a Porn Account Is Impersonating You and That I Did NOT Pay It $183 for Feet Pic
September 17, 2024“I Thought It Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs” – An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-in With Your Co-worker
August 21, 2024OPINION: Sure I’ve Written Hundreds of Books, But I’ve Also Crushed a Ton of Librarian Ass by R.L Stine
August 11, 2024How I Feel About U.S. Olympic Pommel Horse Specialist Stephen Nedoroscik or Democratic VP Candidate Tim Walz?
August 1, 2024I’d Much Rather Be Called Racist than Weird, So It’s Time to Insult the Mixed-Race Vice President
July 29, 2024When Trump Told People They’d Never Have to Vote Again, He Wasn’t Threatening Democracy. He Was Working out Material for a Tight 5 at the Copa
July 23, 2024SNL Should Bring Back That Cast Member from 15 Years Ago to Play a Current Public Figure
July 6, 2024Sure, We’re Cutting Funding for Libraries, but Our New 17 Million Dollar NYPD Subway Security Robot Is Gay
July 2, 2024Thank You For Slaying The Fire-Breathing Dragon and Breaking the Witch’s Curse Placed on Me, but I’m Just Not Looking for a Relationship Right Now
June 27, 2024The Audition: Aiming to Prove That It Is Possible to Make New Friends After the Age of 40
June 11, 2024Ten Tips for Wives to Better Understand Their Husband of 20+ Years While on a Beach Vacation
June 4, 2024QUIZ: Disney World EPCOT Center Pavilion Country or Country Felon Trump Banned From Visiting
May 28, 2024Double Jeopardy Latte and 14 other Flavors from Rudy Giuliani’s New Designer Coffee Company
May 21, 2024Yes, I Am the Personal Chef Included With Your Luxury Airbnb, but for the Umpteenth Time, Go Microwave Your Own Damn Hot Pockets
April 9, 2024I’m A Bath–This Election Season, Help Me Defeat April Showers As The Primary Bathing Method
April 2, 2024A Letter from Someone Who Wants to Keep a Confederate Statue Up Solely Because That’s Where He Lost His Virginity
March 26, 2024AITA for Creating a Universe Without Any Proof of My Existence and Then Punishing People for All Eternity if They Don’t Believe In Me?
March 20, 2024Tips for Planning the Wedding of Your Nightmares After Realizing the Wedding of Your Dreams Is Too Expensive
March 5, 2024This New York City Apartment Is Perfect. The Only Drawback Is the Coat Closet That’s a Direct Portal to the Ninth Circle of Hell
February 27, 2024At Netflix, We’re Taking Product Placement to the Next Level with New Film’s All-Beverage Cast
February 21, 2024I’m a Third Grade Teacher, and I’m Quitting to Make Some Real Money Collecting Cans By the Side of the Highway
February 6, 2024Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks
February 1, 2024Millennials Are Doing Fine Which is Why We Are Tweeting Cries For Help at Sesame Street Characters
January 17, 2024If Men Talked About Their More Successful Wives the Way Women Talk About Their Incredibly Average Husbands
January 16, 2024How Ron DeSantis Will Spend All His New Free Time, Now That He’s No Longer Running for President
January 10, 2024In Order to Appease Everyone in Our Community, We Decided to Rename Our School to ‘Robert E. Lee Was Bad High School’
January 9, 2024Are You Staying at “Clyde’s Rustic Farmhouse Escape” AirBnB or Trapped in an Escape Room?
December 28, 2023College Football Coach Explains at Postgame Press Conference Why He Had Charlie Brown Kick Potential Game-Winning Field Goal
December 26, 2023The Backstory Cookbook: For Those Who Actually Prefer the Long Story About Why Food Is Essential Instead of Actual Recipes
December 22, 2023I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters
December 15, 2023I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is
December 12, 2023I’m Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car
November 28, 2023Rejoice Mortals! We the Gods of Olympus Have Agreed on a New Code of Ethics to Hold Ourselves Accountable
November 22, 2023QAnom nom nom- A Handy Guide On How To Celebrate Thanksgiving While Also Maintaining Your Favorite Batshit Crazy Cult Member Beliefs
November 16, 2023If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence
November 14, 2023We Regret to Inform You That Your Son Has Been Waitlisted for Preschooler Gymnastics
November 9, 2023FixDandy’s Totally Foolproof, Nearly Entirely Safe, and Probably Almost Legal DIY Guide to Ceiling Fan Replacement
October 10, 2023The Parents’ Music Resource Center Returns with an Urgent Message: Beware of Billy Corgan This Halloween and Protect Your Pumpkins!
October 3, 2023An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, “Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!”
October 3, 2023Want to Write and Get Published in 5 Easy Steps? Just Remember this Handy Rotting Deer Metaphor
September 19, 2023Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)
September 7, 2023Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!! No, I’m serious, RIGHT NOW!! Go, Now!! Why Are You Still Reading This???
August 24, 2023Ten Reasons Why I Still Plan to Consume Alcohol Next Weekend Despite Being on Anti-Inflammatory Medication
August 17, 2023Quiz: Are You Experiencing Violent, Bone-Shaking Airplane Turbulence, Or Is Your Toddler Just Having Another Turbulent Tuesday?
August 10, 2023How Dare You Haters Criticize My Hit Country Song, “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses.”
July 20, 2023You Love This Ad for the Barbie (the Movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the Doll)–Themed Pinkberry Flavor
June 27, 2023I’ve Tried So Hard to Be a Responsible Dog Owner and Yet Somehow I’ve Still Raised an Inconsiderate, Hedonistic Pie Thief
June 16, 2023Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the Gays Would Buy During Pride Month
May 18, 2023Unfortunately Fortuitous Quotes From the Animated Film Playing Down the Hall As You and Your Partner Climax
May 18, 2023I Had to Buy This Tent From REI, It Was on Sale and It’s Slightly Different From My Other Tents
May 10, 2023Names That I Will Likely Consider For My Prison A Cappella Group Should I Ever Find Myself Incarcerated and Yearning to Sing With My Fellow Convicts
May 9, 2023Fantasy Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms of Small Children Presented in Increasing Order of Implausibility
April 13, 2023We’re The Weather Channel and If You Don’t Subscribe to Our Premium Site We Will Start Sacrificing Oxen to Zeus
April 11, 2023Euphemisms for ‘Influencer’ That Reality Shows Use to Make It Seem Like Contestants All Have Different Jobs
March 28, 2023Songs From the Hit Broadway Musical The Ski Accident, Starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Gwyneth Paltrow
March 14, 2023Ron DeSantis Never Gave Lap Dances And Eight Other Newly Discovered Examples of the Mandela Effect
February 22, 2023We at the EPA Assure You This Liquid Is Only a Little Spilled Milk and It’s Nothing to Cry Over
February 21, 2023At This Performance of “Hairspray”, the Role of Wilbur Turnblad Will Be Played by You, Get Up There
February 15, 2023The Forgotten Tragedy of the Night President Lincoln Died by the Ghost of Actor Harry Hawk
February 14, 2023Valentine’s Day Messages, as Dictated by My Kindergartner, Prior to My Suggested Edits
February 8, 2023I Want a Refund on This Wedding Photography Package Because All You Did Was Focus on Cats
January 31, 2023As a Content Creator, The Most Rewarding Part of My Job is Calling Myself a Content Creator
December 29, 2022Our Gym Would Like to Apologize for Yesterday’s “Train Like A Viking Of Skagafjörður” Workout
December 27, 2022Only ‘90s Kids Will Remember All These Great Catchphrases from the Best Jim Carrey Movies
December 7, 2022NEW Game of Thrones! Except Instead of the 7 Kingdoms, It’s the 16 Myers-Brigg’s Types
November 29, 2022So You Want to Date a Teddy Bear: Ranking Teddy Bears by their Sensibility, Dependability, and F#ckability
November 22, 2022Get Ready for the Biggest International Party Where None of Your Favorite Ways to Celebrate Are Legal
November 10, 2022Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour
November 10, 2022As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me
November 3, 2022I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old.
October 20, 2022I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween
October 18, 2022We Aren’t Coddling Our Gen Z Students, but They Think Your Class Is Too Hard, so You’re Fired
October 5, 2022The Republican Emperors Hereby Present You With An Opportunity To Become Esteemed Gladiators
September 16, 2022At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website
September 15, 2022I’m Dorg, The Lowly Servant in Charge of Lighting Every Single Candle at House Targaryen and It’s Bullshit That My Scenes Always Get Cut
September 8, 2022After Years Of Tireless Service And Dedication, I, Your Metabolism, Have Decided To Quietly Quit
August 31, 2022Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?
August 17, 2022I Miss the Good Old Days When Healthy Relationship Standards Meant Men Doing Whatever They Wanted and Women Shutting the Hell Up
August 4, 2022What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were
July 15, 2022We’re Doing Nothing Effective to Reduce Crime, COVID, or Homelessness, but Here Are Three F**King Obvious Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack
July 7, 2022The Best Thing About Taking My Young Kids to the Pool Is Having My Balls Repeatedly Crushed By Their Feet
July 5, 2022I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time
June 24, 2022This Pride Month, Ben & Jerry’s Is Introducing New Flavors To Help You Come Out To Your Aging Parents
June 9, 2022NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber
June 8, 2022Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time
May 4, 2022Excerpts from A Book About A Star Wars Jazz Musician Which Sound Way More Perverted Than They Are (Because George Lucas Named Jazz “Jizz”)
May 4, 2022Leaking Our Decision To Overturn Roe v. Wade Violates The Supreme Court’s Privacy And Government Bodily Autonomy
April 28, 2022We’re The Restaurant Underneath The Eiffel Tower And People Have Traveled From All Over The World To Eat Our Food!
April 21, 2022This Earth Day, Help Save The Planet By Purchasing Our ‘I Love The Earth’ Synthetic T-Shirt
April 14, 2022I, The Easter Bunny, No Longer Want To Be Connected To This Creepy ‘Jesus Rising From The Dead’ Thing
April 13, 2022An Open Letter To Whoever Is Abandoning Their Used Underwear On The Shower Towel Hook At The Gym
April 7, 2022It’s The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks in at Charlie Brown’s Vape Shop
April 5, 2022We’ve Updated Our Preschool’s Curriculum to Help Your Toddler Survive the Coming Climate Apocalypse
March 23, 2022The Following Preview Has Been Approved For All Audiences By The Motion Picture Association Of America
March 16, 2022Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022
March 15, 2022You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World
March 10, 2022Questions That Couples on Love Is Blind Should Ask Next Season for Way More Successful Relationships
March 8, 2022At the NYT Op-Ed Desk, We Pride Ourselves on a Rich Journalistic Tradition of Publishing Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter but Will Make People Mad on Twitter
February 24, 2022Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch Of Trump’s New Social Media Platform
February 22, 2022Wow, I Thought I Was Having A Psychotic Episode But It Was Just That Weird Suction Noise My Water Bottle Makes
February 18, 2022Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s
February 15, 2022What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines
February 11, 2022Our Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Menu Does NOT Allow for Substitutions, Because YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO IT
February 11, 2022Thank You for Inviting Me to Your Super Bowl Party, But Why is This Nothing Like Friday Night Lights?
February 4, 2022Whoever Keeps Spreading Rumors Around About Me Being Really Charming Needs To Stop It Right Now
January 26, 2022As a Passenger on the Titanic, I’m So Glad We All Decided to Go On With Our Lives as the Ship Sinks
January 25, 2022It’s My Job as Governor to Protect Florida From the Ever-Encroaching Threat of Self Awareness
January 21, 2022Welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner. I’m Todd, and I’ll Be Your Stonewaller This Evening
January 18, 2022We Are Here To Inform You That Our Queen Cover Band Only Plays ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’
January 4, 2022Shiv Roy’s Tips for How To #GirlBoss Your Way Through Losing Control of the Family Company
December 29, 2021Some More Sus Guidance From the CDC – We’re beginning to think they’re not taking things seriously
December 17, 2021I’m a Christmas Elf and There’s Nothing Festive About My Legs Dangling From This Car’s Trunk
December 7, 2021We, The Invading Aliens, Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Refused To Protect Themselves From Us
November 30, 2021Come Buy Our Grocery Store’s Matzah That We Advertise for Any and All Jewish Holidays!
November 26, 2021The Doctor Says I Need More Cheese In My Diet And That You Can Take It Up With Him If You Disagree Or Think I’m Lying Because I’m Not
November 25, 2021A Definitive Ranking Of Things To Do About An Hour After You Eat Your Thanksgiving Meal
November 19, 2021Straight Guys: Love 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner & Body Wash? Meet Your New Must-Haves
November 16, 2021No, I Don’t Have A Gambling Problem And Here’s My Bank Statement From My Family Trip To The Carnival To Prove It
November 9, 2021The Merchant of Venice Emails His Shipping Container Company To Inquire About His Delayed Sex Goods
November 4, 2021O Captain Crunch, My Captain Crunch And 9 Other Corporate Naming Rights Suggestions for Great Works Of Poetry
October 22, 2021Your Guide To Being A Spookily Great HalloWingman: Tips On Helping Your Buddy Get The Most, Best Candy While Trick Or Treating
October 21, 2021I’m Michael Myers from Halloween and I Just Want to Talk About Your Car’s Extended Warranty
October 19, 2021How to Trick the Unvaccinated into Getting the COVID Vaccine, According to Six Children’s Party Magicians
October 15, 2021“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K.E. Flann
October 12, 2021Martin Short was Named After his Height and other Insight from an Unofficial Hollywood Tour
September 30, 2021Additional Clauses to Your NYC Apartment Lease Rider: An Excerpt of a Handwritten Legal Document from My New Landlord
September 23, 202117 Ways To Make It Seem Like You’re Still Listening When You’ve Stopped Paying Attention
September 17, 2021How To Install An Outdoor Trampoline Basketball Hoop (Or Anything Else Requiring Assembly)
August 20, 2021I’m Going to Take all My Emotions About The World’s Crises and Stuff Them Into the Discourse Surrounding HBO’s The White Lotus
August 12, 2021As a Former Cult Leader, Here’s What I Would Bring to the Role of Store Manager at Bath & Body Works
August 11, 2021An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team
June 25, 2021Minutes From Last Months Meeting Of BRONIE, The Social Group For Men Who Are Obsessed With My Little Pony
June 18, 2021Give Your Dad the Best Father’s Day Gift Ever: A Long, Rambling Conversation About Steely Dan
June 16, 2021How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo
June 11, 2021I, Jeff Bezos, Am Purposefully Going Into the Cold, Black Void Known As Space, But You Shouldn’t Be Worried
June 9, 2021Reasons I’m Still Wearing A Mask (That Have Nothing to Do With Secretly Being a Crocodile)
June 1, 2021Blow the Roof Off Your Gender Reveal Party With Kickass Pyrotechnics From These Baby-Themed Cover Bands For Hire
May 6, 2021I Don’t Wear Makeup For Men, I Wear Makeup For The Ghost of The Confederate Soldier Who Haunts My Apartment
April 28, 2021If You Are Reading This You Have Found My Husband Drunk After Two Cocktails And Are Reading This Stapled To His Coat Sleeve Like A Mitten
April 8, 2021Tips on How Newly Transformed Chinese American Mike Huckabee Can Assimilate Into Asian American Society
March 30, 2021I, Martha Stewart, Am Certainly Not On Drugs; I’m Just Super Chill and Have the Munchies
March 19, 2021The Daily Mail: Discomfort With Our Centuries-Old Breeding Program a Sign of Poor Breeding
March 17, 2021I Wasn’t Concerned When A Stampede Of Raging Bulls Broke Into The Porcelain Shop Where I Work
March 15, 2021Introducing Giggle, the Search Engine for Determining if You Came up With a Joke or Unwittingly Ripped It off
March 5, 2021Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!
February 26, 2021I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene and I’m Here to Tell You There are Only Two Potato Head Genders
February 24, 2021As Heiress to the Salt Fortune, It Is Unacceptable That I, Veruca Salt, Have Not Yet Received a Golden Ticket
February 18, 2021Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze
February 16, 2021I’m Chris Harrison And I Don’t Think It Was Wrong To Celebrate Pro-Slavery Culture All The Way Back In 2018
February 10, 2021I, An Instagram Influencer, Say This Luxury Garbage Bag Poncho Is 100% A Necessity And You Must Buy It
January 27, 2021The Weyland-Yutani Corporation, is Pleased to Announce that the Nostromo is No Longer Under Quarantine
January 21, 2021I am Gwyneth Paltrow’s Exploding Vagina Candle, and I Have Orgasmed My Way to Freedom
January 20, 2021As Armie Hammer’s Nutritionist, I’ve Told Him Time and Again – Human Flesh is Only for Cheat Day
January 8, 2021Now that Senator Palpatine Has Deleted His Tweet to “Execute Order 66,” We, Twitter, Will Restore His Tweeting Privileges
December 24, 2020Jolene Sings “Vaccine” to the Tune of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” to Dolly Parton Herself!
December 18, 2020Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and Other Family Mishaps That Ruined The Holidays
December 17, 2020For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)
December 15, 2020What Would Have Happened in the Cue-Card Scene from Love Actually if Peter had Opened the Door
December 11, 2020Memo from the Office of the Vice Chancellor of the Lizard Overlord Project to the Costuming Department
December 1, 2020Literary Quotations, Revised to Explain the Very Good Decision to Take a Pandemic RV Trip
November 25, 2020Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner
November 20, 2020I’m the 47-Pound Raccoon That Goes Through Your Trash Every Thanksgiving, and I’ve Decided to Stay Home This Year
November 17, 2020The Bigliest Sore Loser and 14 Other Future Reality Shows for The Post Presidency Trumps to Appear On
November 13, 2020Agatha Christie Heroine Responds to Trump’s Attempted Coup by Taking an Ample Breakfast
November 6, 2020Alexa, I Know American Democracy is On the Edge of Collapse, But I Need You To Play Baby Beluga by Raffi
October 28, 2020EXCLUSIVE! “The Shout Out” Quarantine Comedy Short Filmed Entirely on Phones in Lockdown Premieres!
October 21, 2020My House has Been on Fire for the Past Four Years but I’m Still Undecided About Calling the Fire Department
October 13, 2020Introducing FYOOM, The New Video Conferencing App That Lets Participants Smell One Another
October 13, 2020I’m the Guy who Makes the Fake Crowd Noise at Baseball Games, and Yes, I Have Been Secretly Inserting Rupi Kaur Poems
September 30, 2020Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First
September 18, 2020I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water
September 18, 2020It’s Me, Venus, And After Putting Me in the Uninhabitable Zone, You Finally See I Had Life All Along
September 17, 2020I’m That Little Ghost Girl from “The Ring”, and the Death of VHS Has Destroyed My Small Business
September 11, 2020I, Willy Wonka, Am Finally Glad to Be Rid of Financial Burden That Is Running a Chocolate Factory
September 11, 2020Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward’s Rage
September 10, 2020Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won’t Wear Masks During a Pandemic
September 8, 2020Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp
September 3, 2020What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?
August 31, 2020Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross
August 19, 2020Remote Online Training Reluctantly Delivered To You Remotely From Your Remotely Conscious I.T. Staff
August 18, 2020I, Henry VIII Am Signing a Posthumous Pardon for My Wives Who I Had Executed for Unsubstantiated Reasons
August 7, 2020When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth
July 17, 2020Examining The Medical Prowess Of Donald Trump: Other Examples Of His Insightful Brilliance
July 17, 2020The Overlook Hotel’s Safety Measures for Reopening Now That We Know the Hotel Is a Sentient Being That’s out for Blood.
July 14, 2020Hall of Impeached Presidents And 9 Other Disney World Updated Attractions For 2020 Grand Reopening
July 3, 2020Please Stand When You See Me In My American Flag Speedo At the Pool This Weekend Otherwise You are Disrespecting the Troops
May 28, 2020Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions
May 22, 2020I am the Bucket of Pig’s Blood Perched Atop the Rafters in This Empty High School Gymnasium
May 14, 2020Bring Back the Real Heroes of the Pandemic, Our Dentists- A New Susan Collins Ad for Senate 2020
May 14, 2020A Few Thoughts on All These Couples Self-Isolating Together and How I, a Reality TV Executive, Can’t Get a Camera Crew Across State Lines to Film Them
April 28, 2020Excerpts from the NEW New Broadway Adaptation of To Kill a Mockingbird Starring Naomi Campbell as Calpurnia
April 16, 2020I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouse
April 10, 2020Where are they now: John Mellencamp’s Jack and Diane Look Back on Nearly Forty Years of Marriage
March 31, 2020The College has Hired a Ragtag Group of Academic Con Artists to Ensure we Pass Middle States
March 24, 2020Quiz: Have You Fallen Through a Magical Time Portal to Where You’re 17 Again, or Are You Just Self-Isolating Due to a Global Pandemic?
March 19, 2020Buy My Book, It Will Protect You from the Coronavirus, Says Author Whose Public Appearances Have All Been Canceled
March 10, 2020Unhelpful Clues Given to Me by Mindy Cohn During an October 1987 Taping of The $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was “Things You Do on a Boat”
March 3, 2020In These Fraught Times, We Need A President Who Will Unite The Nation With Honor, Integrity, And The Delicious Flavor Of Quiznos (SPONSORED CONTENT)
February 21, 2020Jimmy Buffet Song or How I’m Explaining the Divorce to My Kids from Inside the New Akron Margaritaville
February 20, 2020Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven’t Even Ordered Yet
February 14, 2020Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day
February 7, 2020Signs Your Co-Worker Might Be an Abiogenetic Hybrid of Laura Ingalls Wilder and A Can of Pringles
February 6, 2020Good Evening: I Am Thrilled To Be Performing Long Form Improvisational Comedy For This Audience Of Captivated Decision Makers
January 27, 2020Sorry, My Impeachment Testimony Won’t Include the Juicy Stuff From My Book, by Smokey the Bear
January 17, 2020We Regret to Inform You That Vantage Consulting Will No Longer Be Using Your Pigeons for Our Internal Memos
January 10, 2020Six Times People Seemed to Be Leaving Their Tables at the Crowded Coffee Shop, But Were Not
December 31, 2019Know What Would Make Times Square Even Better? If It Was Way Too Crowded, It Was Midnight In December, And Ryan Seacrest Was There The Whole Time!
December 27, 2019Other Scenes Deleted From The Canadian TV Version of ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’
December 27, 2019What Your Preferred Spelling of the Jewish Festival of Lights Says About You as a Person
December 3, 2019Don’t Get in a Stranger’s Van, Charlie Brown and 10 Other Rejected Peanuts TV Specials
November 27, 2019If Mayor Pete Wants My Vote, He Needs To Dig Way Deeper Into Panic! At The Disco’s Discography Than “High Hopes”
November 27, 2019Unearthed Time Capsule Reveals Nothing But A Written Explanation By A Procrastinating Time Capsule Committee From 1979
November 26, 2019Alternative Bathroom Options For When Your Selfish Roommate Has Severe Abdominal Pain
November 8, 2019Other Movies We Should Also Add James Dean Into, Now That This Is Something That We, As A Society, Do Apparently
November 5, 2019Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and 15 Other Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite Pro Sports Team Names. # 6 Will Make You Want To Stand Up And Start The Wave
October 24, 2019Awkward Interactions Explained by a Guy Who’s Read Famous Author Malcolm Gladwell’s Books Too Much
October 18, 2019No Son Of Mine Is Going To Have Premarital Sex In My House. No, He’ll Have It In The Garage… That’s Where The Magic Happens!
October 16, 2019Don’t Separate Church & State! Sexy Religious Texts Conservative Senators Can Send Their Mistresses
October 11, 2019Greta Thunberg Responds to My Request That She Advocate For My 5 Most Pressing Concerns
October 10, 2019Canadians To Stop Making Penises And Six Other Headlines I Read Too Fast And What They Really Said
October 8, 2019If You’ve Been Accused of Exploiting Women, Then Call the Law Firm That Represented James Franco Now
October 2, 201910 Lyfehacks Thou Needest Immediately In This Yeare Of Our Lorde, Thirteen Hundred And Forty Seven
September 27, 2019The Eight Most Awesome Things About Binge-A-Derm TV, the Patch That Catches You Up on the Television You’ve Missed (Post Sponsored by Binge-A-Derm TV)
September 24, 2019New Product Ideas From The Makers of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” Who Are Losing to The Clean Food Movement
September 17, 2019We’re Ditching The Gender Reveal. You’re Cordially Invited To Our Conception Reception
August 29, 2019I’m A Democratic Candidate And Here’s My Medicare-For-America Plan That Isn’t Some Whackadoodle Socialist Fairytale
August 22, 2019Phrases That Could Be in John Hickenlooper’s End-of-Campaign Video, Who Knows, No One’s Watching It
August 6, 2019Everybody in This Country Needs to Chill Out and That’s Why I’m Voting for Jimmy Buffett in 2020
July 22, 2019Email Reminders You Can Give So Your Colleague Will Finish the Project He is Being Paid to Complete
July 11, 2019GoFundMe Story Written By An Influencer Who Totally Hates To Accept ANYTHING From ANYONE
June 14, 2019I Just Found Out All My “World’s Best Dad” Gifts are Mass-Produced and Now Father’s Day is Ruined
June 13, 2019How I Talk About My Friends On Their Birthday Social Media Posts Vs. Every Other Day of the Year
May 24, 2019Thoughts on the Proposed Ban on Feeding Birds and Squirrels in New York City Parks, from the Birds and Squirrels
May 22, 2019As Your Fiction Workshop Instructor, I Don’t Want to Read Anything Less Than Beautiful—Or About Boats
May 17, 2019Looney Tunes Episodes, if Cartoons Were as Political Today as They Were When Bugs Bunny Killed Hitler
May 17, 2019Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV… No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry
May 2, 2019Please Enjoy Our Company’s Star Wars Day Themed Celebration, That Is Not at All a Distraction from How Bad Things Are Going.
April 28, 2019Fitbit’s New Life Coach Notifications as Samuel L. Jackson’s ‘Pulp Fiction’ Character Jules Winnfield
March 14, 2019Quiz: Did I Cancel These Plans Because I’m A Flake Or Because Mercury Is In Retrograde?
March 8, 2019Casting Call for Netflix’s New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?
February 27, 2019Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)
February 26, 2019A Stalker Murders Me (A Story Composed from Presidential Campaign Fundraising Emails)
February 19, 2019Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times
February 6, 2019The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump’s Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor
February 5, 2019When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)
January 31, 2019All the Ways We’re Avoiding Saying “The Super Bowl” in Our Rent-To-Own Furniture Commercial as to Not Be Sued by the NFL
January 29, 2019The Art Of Re-cluttering Your Life After Tidying Up Throws You Into A Cataclysmic Emotional Crisis
January 29, 2019Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real
January 23, 2019Things We Now Know About Whales Since the 1851 Publication of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick
January 17, 2019Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me
January 9, 2019I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds
January 4, 2019Note of Appreciation From Dinosaur Old Business To Customers Still Buying And Not Using The New Business Disruptors
December 21, 2018Frank Loesser, Composer Of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Rewrites Other Christmas Classics
December 20, 2018The Weekly Humorist Guide To Gadget & Gizmo Gifts That You Have To Have In Order To Remain Relevant To Your Friends, And To Yourself
December 20, 2018I Am the Peppermint Cookie From the Cookie Exchange That Makes All the Other Cookies On Your Cookie Tray Taste Minty
December 7, 2018Only A True ‘80s Kid Can Name The ‘80s Sitcoms That Spawned These Popular Catchphrases
November 30, 2018Joke’s On You, Starbucks… The Screenplay I’m Writing In Your Store Is Far Worse Than Any Porn I Could Watch
November 19, 20186 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient
November 16, 2018QUIZ: Mid-Century Furniture Designer or Guttural Exclamation As I Accept My Rightful Place As Satan’s Eternal Concubine?
November 9, 2018Those Self-important Scientists Warning About The Dangers Of The Plague-infected Giant Rats In America Need To Stay In Their Lane
November 8, 2018Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN’T Break
November 5, 2018I’m Typhon, Father Of All Monsters, And There’s More To Me Than Being A Reprehensible, Serpent Giant Who Wants To Burn The World To The Ground.
November 5, 2018Why We’re Voting Red: Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhyme Characters Weigh in on the Midterm Elections
October 23, 2018Sorry, Ken Burns, But Your Eleven-and-a-Half-Hour Civil War Documentary Is Not Real Comedy
October 19, 2018Revised Major League Baseball Team Names Under The Rule Of Its New Commissioner, A Guy Who Loves Happy Days
October 18, 2018Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future
October 18, 2018Helpful Hints When You Accidentally Make Direct Eye Contact With the Kiosk Mall Employee
October 15, 2018We Regret to Inform You That We Have Rejected Your Job Application From Our Pop-Up Halloween Store (in The Old Kmart)
September 21, 2018Who Said It: Acclaimed Murder-Mystery Novelist Agatha Christie or Stand Up Comedian John Mulaney?
September 19, 2018Look. We All Had Fun Laughing About Toad From Mario Kart. Now Can We Get Back To Talking About How Rainbow Road Is Total Bullshit?
September 10, 2018Wild Horses Can’t Drag Us Apart, Oy Vey’ and 7 Other Rolling Stone Lyrics Made Age Appropriate
September 6, 2018Does Jim Mattis Think You’re Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and 11 Other TV Reality Shows a Post Presidency Trump Could Appear On
August 17, 2018So, a Character in a Thing You Like Has Been Cast, With a Non-Straight White Male and You Are Angry. A Next Step Guide.
August 10, 2018Literary Tropes That We, the Artificial Intelligence-run Publishing House of the Future, Are No Longer Interested In
August 10, 2018The NRA is Attempting to Raise Additional Funds Through the Sale of Cookies Because Those Girl Scout Brats Never Need to Launder Russian Money to Stay Solvent
August 9, 2018Kane Mutiny And Captain O’ Captain Lou Albino vs. The On The Road Warriors and 7 Other Wrestlemania Matches: The Norton Anthology Of Literature Edition
August 3, 2018Groucho Marx: ‘I wouldn’t want to belong to a LinkedIn group that would have me as a member,’ and 11 Other Famous Quotes Updated for Millennials
August 2, 2018Sarah Huckabee Sanders Briefs the Media: “The President clearly meant you need id to buy groceries”
July 18, 2018‘Mr. Gorbachev add onto this wall’ and 6 other Presidential quotes Trump would have ‘fixed’ if he had been President
July 13, 2018A Passive-Aggressive Conversation Between My Loud Neighbor And Me, Via Wi-Fi Network Names
July 3, 2018Rough Start to Summer: A Lifeguard Has Ordered the Ocean Drained After a Whale Pooped In It
June 26, 2018Rainbow Trout and 13 Other LGBTQ Friendly Things Hungarian Right Wingers Might Want to Ban Along with The Musical Billy Elliot
June 22, 2018Forever 21 to Life and 8 Other Wedding Registries For People Marrying Their ‘In The Pen Pal’
June 15, 2018The Summer 2018 Guide to Planning Your Dream Wedding and Swallowing That Last Bit of Yourself That Held Onto Your Most Secret and Sacred Dreams
June 13, 2018Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities
June 1, 2018Governor’s Ball presents a new VIP experience: The Velveeta Cheese Chain Smoking Tent brought to you by Crocs Shoes
June 1, 2018Things You Say to a Dead Loved One OR Your Kid When They’re at Sleep Away Camp for the First Time
May 23, 2018In the Event One of the Kids Becomes Patient Zero, and Other Job Requirements at a Children’s Entertainment Franchise
May 18, 2018It’s the Audio Version of “The Dress”: Some People Hear “Yanny,” Others Hear “Laurel,” and You Hear the Voice of a Robot Demon Condemning You to Eternal Suffering
May 10, 2018OFFICE MEMORANDUM: In Response to The Workplace Satisfaction Survey, We’ll Be Renovating Our Office Space into a Jungle
April 26, 2018Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well
April 26, 2018New Apps for People Who Suffer From Time Mismanagement, Which Other People Shouldn’t Find So Problematic
April 19, 2018No, Your Honor, I Did Not Build A Fire Pit to Burn Documents Relevant to My Criminal Investigation
April 9, 2018Tony Robbins Presents: “Unleash the Not-So-Risky and Therefore More Employable Power Within” Workshop
March 29, 2018Updated Checklist for Future Screening of Potentially Dangerous Presidential Candidates
March 23, 2018PlentyOfPrisoners and 11 Other Sites For People Who Confuse Crazy In Love w/Being In Love w/Someone Crazy
March 23, 2018Statement From The Press Secretary On The Man Who Terrorized Austin Not Being A Terrorist
March 15, 2018The Best Jokes By Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot About Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot
February 26, 2018Corporate Sponsors Who Have Turned Their Back On The NRA, Surprising Everyone With The Fact That They Were NRA Sponsors In The First Place!
February 23, 2018The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth, and Other Entries from the Diary of Stephen Miller
February 16, 2018That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) and 11 other Scientific American Music Award Winners
January 24, 20188 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person
January 17, 2018Dry January Activities That Don’t Require Alcohol, Just An Unwavering Commitment To Fighting Corruption In The Figure Skating Community
January 17, 2018Bucket List for When You Think You Have 38 Minutes to Live Before a Ballistic Missile Strikes
December 28, 2017Other New Structures, Places And Things Named After Trump, Currently Under Construction
December 20, 2017He’s Got Really Small Hands After All and 8 Other New Disney World Rides Added in Honor of Trump’s New Wax Figure in Hall of Presidents
December 17, 2017Creepy Guy With ‘Free Breast Exam’ T-Shirt Now Most Viable Women’s Health Option In Louisiana
December 16, 2017Quiz: George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV or CDC’s 7 Words/Phrases Forbidden By Trump Administration
December 10, 2017Exiting Brexit: 10 Ways For The UK To Offset Losses After Final Leaving E.U Negotiations
November 28, 2017NOTICE: Curriculum Update to Reflect Current Industry Standards: Department of Journalism & Creative Media, University of Alabama
November 15, 2017Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory And 9 Other Examples Of Louis CK’s Favorite Things
October 30, 2017Freeze Out: Captain Cold Booted From Legion Of Doom After Sexual Harassment Allegations
October 23, 2017I Bought An Exercise Ball For My Desk And Now It’s Easier Than Ever To Masturbate at Work
September 2, 2017Steve Bannon’s Netflix Queue -or- How Steven Bannon Will Spend the Next Few Weeks While Nursing a Wounded But Bloated Ego, Fomenting Hatred in his Heart, and Drinking Gallons of Cheap Gin from a Discarded Aunt Jemima Bottle and a Sterilized Nipple
August 17, 2017Half A Dozen Other Nice Things That President Trump Has To Say About Hate-Mongering White Supremacists
May 27, 20175 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews
May 15, 2017A Comprehensive Advisory System Based On Sean Spicer’s Standing Patterns As Devised By Homeland Security
May 9, 2017Rejection Letter from Grams’ Jams to Ad Agency For Misunderstanding ‘Esoteric’ for ‘Erotic’
April 28, 201714 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words
April 3, 2017Punchlines to Knock-knock Jokes Rejected by Highlights, the Magazine for Children, Which Has Since Banned Me from Future Submissions
March 11, 2017I Swear to God, If I Hear “Be Our Guest” In This Castle One More Time I’m Going To Kill Something
March 8, 2017For Our Wedding We’re Registered For All the Items We Destroyed During the Blowout Fight We Had While Registering at Bed Bath and Beyond
January 16, 201711 Other Things House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz Would Rather Investigate than Trump’s Obvious Conflicts of Interest
December 1, 2016These Electoral College Members Are Hot, Willing, and Waiting For Your Online Petitions!
November 7, 2016You’ve Decided to Vote for Trump, But Can You Figure Out Which Robert E. Lee High School the Polling Place Is Located?
September 22, 20165 Valuable Life Lessons I Learned Managing the 837 Checking Accounts Wells Fargo Opened for Me
July 27, 2016Five Reactions from Those Who Met Saul Alinsky on the DNC Floor and Immediately Learned He’s Been Dead Since 1972
